Summary Kathy interviews Leslie on writing her memoir. She discusses her journey from journaling privately to publishing a book sharing her story and healing process. Listen to how the power of writing can transform your life. Kathy: So welcome, Leslie. My first question is, what prompted you to write your memoir, your own story? Leslie: Well, I love to write. I just, growing up, I didn't know what, exactly. I started when I was younger, like just writing in my journal, because I did not know how to express myself, so the only way I could do it is through journaling. And then I discovered later on that I just love writing. I wanted to write a devotional because I felt like devotions are so pretty. And so, you know, just something that takes, that I could write about God and not about me.  But then once I started writing, the only thing I could write is my story and then God began to work there. Kathy: Well, you mentioned one obstacle already of wanting to write your own story. What other obstacles did you face in this project?  Leslie: For sure, fear of a lot of things. But one thing that, because I started writing a few years ago, but I got stuck and the fear of being vulnerable. I felt that it was too much or too "out there". And I just was thinking of what if people say this or like just focusing on that and I didn't know how to be vulnerable.  Kathy: And then how did you overcome that? Because I'll just get stuck there, right? We're like, oh, nobody cares about this or people are going to judge me or I'm telling too, it's TMI. Kathy: Yes. Leslie: I remember one day in particular that I was just wanting to write. And then, so I got it again and now I just kept writing. And at that very moment, God began to heal some of the things that I wasn't writing and I realized that I was being healed while I was writing. And I wanted to experience that and help someone else experience it. I knew that the smallest thing people can relate to. So I felt like if I just write this and one person can relate, then it'll be worth it, you know? I'll write about my life and about healing, but the healing part of writing this book was another level.

3m

Apr 02

Kathy and Kevin discuss overcoming common blocks people face in sharing their personal stories and why every human story matters. They address common myths that our stories are boring or unimportant, fears of revisiting the past or reactions from others, and the healing power of vulnerability in finding connection and give listeners advice about why each story matters and how to start small by sharing with trusted individuals to begin integrating past and present into an evolving narrative arc. Author Leslie Carcamo discusses the transformative power of writing her memoir, “Walking in Healing” https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Healing-Overcoming-Limits-Embracing-ebook/dp/B0CDW8KP73/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1CWJ8CJFMZVX4&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Zc4Z-_MGYcmHiqJLyfejvA.EnZIKct2_k5k3XmpXlR1fa1n5ro_2-We338InTNazzY&dib_tag=se&keywords=walking+in+healing+leslie+carcamo&qid=1709922539&sprefix=walking+in+healing+leslie+carcamo%2Caps%2C107&sr=8-1.   Kevin: Hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Kathy: Yes, welcome everyone. Today we want to finish up our story theme as we dive into asking the question, "Does your story matter?" Kevin: "Does our story matter?" That's a great question. Let's get started. Kathy: So In our Story Journey this year we are learning about our story myths, origin stories and now writing our stories. So as every author knows, you know, we have to wrestle with what we call writer's block. And whether you're writing your story or telling your life story, there are these blocks that arise. So we know that there are around three reasons why we experience blocks and sharing our own stories, but really at the core is this question we're diving in today: Does my story matter?  Kevin: Yeah, it's a really great question. In my work as a chaplain spending time with patients in a hospital setting, most of the work that I do centers around meaning-making which happens through conversation and delving into patient stories, their experience both before being diagnosed and now with a new onset illness or medical crisis that's going on in their life and Sometimes patients will conclude sharing their story by saying something like, "Well I know that others have it way worse than I do" or they'll say something like, "Well, I don't want to bore you with my story." So it's interesting. There are these blocks in sharing our own story and that question arising, "does my story matter and what is it mean in comparison to other people's stories who perhaps have it worse than I do or have different experiences than I do? What value does my story have? And why should I share my story with other people?" Kathy: Yes, I've heard all of those. And I've experienced that as well. I know that when I was younger, I would say, like, high school and college years, I thought my life story was super boring. I didn't have any drama or crisis, you know, I was basically the good girl. So I thought that was very uninteresting and nobody would care to hear that story. Yeah, I just thought, "who wants to hear my story? My story doesn't really matter." Kevin: Right. And of course, I know most of your story you describe yourself as the good girl growing up but then life happened. Do you mind sharing a little bit more about how your life and story unfolded?  Kathy: Yes, so some of our listeners already know that in my late 30s that we experienced a family crisis and I think of course it wasn't boring any longer I couldn't say that but I was I'll admit that I was ashamed to tell my story for probably about 10 years because there was a lot of judgment from different places about my situation and my choices and I would say maybe within the last seven years -- which is very recent -- I have embraced my story and integrated into the person that you know me to be now.  Kevin: Mm-hmm. Yeah that integration piece is such an important part of processing our stories making sense of the things that have happened to us and then finding a pathway forward right? It's a journey, as you said. Yeah so I know that you are in the middle of a Journey with a group of students who are exploring their stories writing their stories tell us a little bit about what you're learning in that group and some of the lessons that we can learn about the types of story blocks that we all can experience.  Kathy: Yes it's an amazing Journey and it hasn't been easy just like our lives right? The book we have chosen is Leslie Leyland Fields' "Your Story Matters" and in that, because she's an author and writer herself and a writing coach, she talks about the obstacles like the writing blocks to sharing your story and the first one she talks about is the one I mentioned earlier about me that I experienced and it's the one that says "my life is uninteresting". My story doesn't matter because my life is uninteresting. And while that might be factually true, let's say you are, in your estimation, leading a boring or uninteresting life, one thing to remember is that all of our stories are human stories. So that means that someone out there can always benefit from your story. Kevin:  And say a little bit more about that. Why is it that somebody else can benefit from that? Kathy: So in our class, for example, we had a writing prompt called, "How I Got to School Every Day". And when I proposed this, they were like, that's a one word answer, Kathy: , how I got to school every day. I was like, "okay, well tell the stories surrounding how you got to school when you were younger." Oh my goodness, it opened up so much rich storytelling. and connecting where people would say, "oh, I took the bus too, but my bus ride was different" or "I walked to school too". We all connected around how we got to school. It was amazing. Kevin: Yeah, so what you're saying basically is that because our stories are human, it creates a opportunity for connection because we're all human and sharing our story creates that human connection. That's awesome. I know you've shared with me about some of these other blocks and that second block that we can experience in sharing our own story is the fear of the past. So basically this is the fear where somebody could say something like, "I don't want my past to define me. I'm moving forward. I wanna focus on the future. And I don't know how to reconcile my past with my present and where I'm headed with my future." This is one that I've definitely wrestled with in my life.  Having come through a lot of hardship and overcome a lot in my life. A lot of people that I encounter in my life now can't make sense of my past and where I've come from and the story that somebody like me failed my senior year of high school and was a terrible student. So I've had to do a lot of work in my life to reconcile where I've come from to where I am today and make sense of what I've overcome to be able to articulate that to others and sharing my story, but then also for myself that it feels like two different lives that I've lived.  Kathy: And how would you say that what were some of the things you did to overcome the fear that your past could define you or that people would not understand? They couldn't reconcile the two. Kevin: I think I had to get honest with myself about what the purpose of telling my story was. I think for a while, I would share my past struggles as a way to get sympathy and empathy, as a way to help bring some soothing to the pain that I had. And then as I got older, I think I started to share parts of my story so that people would be impressed with me. And I think I'm still working on that now as I continue to get older and evolve and recognize that as I share my story, perhaps the most powerful thing I can do in sharing my story is share it so there's that connection that we just talked about earlier, so that parts of my story can encourage and empower somebody who may have some similar experience that I do. So the story is mine, but it's no longer about me. Kathy: That's excellent advice, and thanks for sharing that. It reminds me of something that Leslie Fields says is that we can never be the hero or heroine of our own stories. And I thought that was very interesting. And what she means by that is that our stories are meant to serve the world. If our motive or our time is spent trying to win people of our story or to show all the things that we've overcome instead of figuring out what are the truths and lessons that we can pass on to others as a result, then we then take ourselves out of the main character role and that's when we actually find connection.  Kevin: Yeah, exactly. Kathy: And so that brings us to our third block, which is very related to the last one, is "I'm afraid of telling the truth". Now that's not, you might be afraid of telling the truth, but regarding your story, it could be that you don't want to share your story because you're afraid of what friends or family members are going to say. You wanna stay in relationships. You don't want to disconnect as a result of sharing your story. And this is a very valid block. And the way that you can work through this, if this is yours, is to find a trusted person or group to share your true story. And if you are wanting to write like a memoir, you can always change names or change the events a bit or even ask their permission if that's an option for you. But regardless of how and when you share it, it is the act of sharing your truth that is most important. What do you think about that? Kevin: Yeah, I think that that's such good advice. And perhaps the only thing to add here is to start small with sharing your story. Start with telling that one trusted friend. Start with telling your therapist, whatever therapeutic relationship you find yourself in. Go find a therapist if you don't have one. And then maybe you're in a small group and you wanna share that with a group of trusted peers. And then you go from there. So it's so important that you're telling your story somewhere that you can be seen and heard somewhere and see where that story and that journey of telling your story takes you.  Kathy: For sure. One of our favorite life coach, spiritual coaches, Iyanla Vanzant says, “when you share your story, you heal yourself and you heal others.” Kevin: Yeah, that's so good. Kathy: And that is the crux of why your story matters.  Kevin: Yeah, yeah. And so to sum up our episode today, your story does matter. It's important that you share your story. If you find yourself running into some blocks, it may be one of these three: that your story feels uninteresting, that you don't really want to revisit the past because you're focusing on the future, or that you're worried about telling your truth because of how it may impact your relationships around you. I just want to encourage you, if you're facing any of these three blocks, that your story does matter. There is somebody that could benefit from hearing what you've been through and how you've overcome, and so share your story with somebody that you trust and see where that journey of telling your story might take you.  Kathy: Yes, for sure. To end our podcast today, we're going to hear a story from one of our Be Well community members, Leslie Carcamo. I am interviewing her on her new memoir, "Walking in Healing" https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Healing-Overcoming-Limits-Embracing-ebook/dp/B0CDW8KP73/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1CWJ8CJFMZVX4&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Zc4Z-_MGYcmHiqJLyfejvA.EnZIKct2_k5k3XmpXlR1fa1n5ro_2-We338InTNazzY&dib_tag=se&keywords=walking+in+healing+leslie+carcamo&qid=1709922539&sprefix=walking+in+healing+leslie+carcamo%2Caps%2C107&sr=8-1. Leslie's book is available on Amazon.  Kevin: Yes, let's listen now. As we end, whatever it is you may be coping with, blessings to you. Kathy: Welcome, Leslie. My first question is, what prompted you to write your memoir, your own story? Leslie: Well, I love to write. I just, growing up, I didn't know what exactly. I started when I was younger, like just writing in my journal because I did not know how to express myself. So the only way I could do it is through journaling. And then I discovered later on that I just love writing. I wanted to write a devotional because I felt like devotionals are so pretty. And so, you know, just something that I could write about God and not about me. But then once I started writing, the only thing I could write is my story and then God began to work there, so. Kathy: Okay, well you mentioned one obstacle already of wanting to write your own story. What other obstacles did you face in this project?  Leslie: For sure, fear of a lot of things, but one thing that, because I started writing a few years ago, but I got stuck in the fear of being vulnerable. I felt that it was too much or too out there, and I just was thinking of "what if people say this" or like just focusing on that and I just didn't know how to be vulnerable.  Kathy: And then how did you overcome that? It gets stuck there, right? We're like, oh, nobody cares about this or people are going to judge me or I'm telling too much. It's TMI. Leslie: I remember one day in particular that I was just wanting to write and then so I got it again and now I just kept writing and at that very moment God began to heal some of the things that I was writing and I realized that I was being healed while I was writing and I wanted to experience that and help someone else experience that. I knew that the smallest thing people can relate to so I felt like if I just write this and one person can relate then it'll be worth it. You know I'll write about my life and about healing but the healing part of writing this book was another level.   

16m

Mar 19

Listen as Kevin leads you through a traditional Irish blessing to encourage you on your path of self-discovery. Kevin: May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. The rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand. May God be with you and bless you. May you see your children's children. May you be poor and misfortune, rich in blessings. May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward. May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home. And may the land of a friend always be near. May green be the grass you walk on. May blue be the skies above you. May pure be the joys that surround you. May true be the hearts that love you. Amen.

1m

Mar 12

Join us today on “Coping” where Kathy and Kevin discuss the value of exploring personal and family origin stories. Learn how understanding where we come from fosters connection, perspective and empowerment to overcome current challenges and practical ways you can discover your origin story to help you adjust the path you may be on now as an adult. Kevin  Well, hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". We're excited to continue our conversation from our last episode. Kathy  Yes, welcome everyone. Last podcast, if you remember, we began to discuss this interesting topic of story and the story myths that hold us back. And in this episode, we want to continue discussing the idea of how our past stories shape our current stories. Kevin  That's exactly right. Our past reveals where we came from. In movies and comics, this idea is what's called an origin story. And some of the best movies are the movies that delve into those origin stories. What makes the character today who they were and that's where they came from. And so what's so fascinating is watching these backstories can actually provide us with insight into how the hero of the story or the narrator of the story acquires their superpowers, how they face loss and overcame that. And when they were dealt hardship, how they came out on the other side. And what caused them to become who they are today, flaws and all. Kathy  Yeah, that's all so fascinating. I personally love all things history, past origin. So let's get started. Kathy  Well, like I mentioned before, I have a fascination and love for things of the past and history. I loved history when I was a student in high school and college, almost considered majoring in it. I'm obsessed, sad to say, with ancestry.com and going through, clicking on those of you who know ancestry .com, you click on these leaves that are of the tree. You just keep clicking and clicking and I don't really allow myself to go on anymore because I'll just spend hours delving into the history. And a few years ago, we took a trip to New York City. Kevin  Yeah, and I know that you love my family history because they came through Ellis Island. So there's a lot of documentation about their travels, clicking on those leaves and then being there, standing in Ellis Island, looking at the records where my great, great grandfather on my father's side traveled from Ireland and then signed his name in the book, for the records coming over to America. And then on my mom's side, my great, great grandfather also came over from Italy. And so, just to go from a website where you're searching and, you know, creating links for my family tree and then to stand there and to see the signature written and to see the pictures of the ships that they traveled on and to create literally stand exactly where they would have stood in line.  Kevin  There's something really powerful about that and how it becomes so real and so vivid. And for me personally, to connect my story back generations,  fills me with a lot of meaning and connects me to my past in a way that I just didn't know existed.  Kathy  It's really quite powerful stuff. Yeah. We remember,  those of you who have been to Ellis Island, there's a ferry that takes you and to think that we were seeing the Statue of Liberty just like they would have,  was a very moving experience for both of us. And yeah, it just, it's about the power of connecting to your past. Kevin  That's right. And I have a, you know, interesting family,  immigration story of my grandparents coming from Italy and then also from Ireland. But you also have a really fascinating immigration story. Can you speak a little bit about that? Kathy  Yeah. So my family did not come through Ellis Island. My parents immigrated to Florida in 1971 and that's how we came to America. They came by way of plane to this country. My dad had a new job at a brand new university and I was 18 months. So I am actually an immigrant as well. I was not born in this country and I became a citizen when I was 18. Why do you think, exploring the past is so important? Kevin  Well, you are the history buff and I am the story buff, if you will. I think there's a few different things that make looking at our past and knowing our origin story so important. And the first thing is connection. Understanding our stories did not begin with us makes us feel less alone and helps connect us to the bigger story that's unfolding. And that's exactly what happened for me. I recognize that a lot of the struggles and hardships that I face in my life are generational. And I had a renewed sense of hope that if my ancestors were able to overcome the transition from what they knew to a new world and were able to build a better life to put me in the position that I am, surely I can overcome and deal with transition and hardship much like they did, that it's somehow in my blood, that it's in my lineage, that if they did it then I can do it too.  Kevin  And that story made me feel far less alone and really proud of what they did for me and that what I can then do in their honor in my story as it unfolds. Kathy  Absolutely. The power of connecting to the past, that connection that you mentioned, is so crucial. We're all right now feeling like we're so disconnected and this is a very tangible way to try to find some connection in our lives. Currently we are in a story class journey with Be Well and we're reading Leslie Leyland Fields, "Your Story Matters". She has a very powerful quote about the past. She says, "the past is not done. It lives on in us no matter how cleverly we disguise ourselves, no matter how fast we try to run from it. When we don't turn and look behind us, we lose our way, even our very selves."  Kathy  And so I think the second thing that exploring our past does for us is it gives us perspective. So as you talked about connection, I'm sure part of that was also perspective. I mean looking into the story of my family gave me a lot of perspective. It's almost like looking into an old mirror. We see ourselves in an old mirror, but we also can see those who came before us and their experiences give us a new lens from which to look at our lives. How does it give us a new lens?  Kevin  Say more about that new lens. Kathy  So for example, if I look through the lens of my life right now through the lens of my parents, again, it's a story of overcoming. It's a story of a new life, a new hope, a new future for the next generation. It's exactly what we hope for our children that my parents hope for us. And so this perspective is now connected to the story, the greater story of my family. And when I looked behind me, immediately I could see a lot of links that could frame my current perspective now. It helps diminish the feeling of being all alone and disconnected and it can provide, this new perspective can provide a lot of strength as well I would say. Kevin  Yeah, and that leads us into the third thing that we gain when we take time to look at our past, and that's empowerment. Empowerment is all about getting us re-engaged with how our story unfolded and how it's still unfolding. And so what that did for me really is helped me to recognize that although in my past things happened to me when they were out of my control when I was young, as an adult, I can take my story, all that has happened, and be an active participant in writing my story going forward. And so there's a sense of empowerment that if this is what has happened behind me and I look at my life that's still ahead of me, if I want my life to be different, I can make those changes. And that's really empowering to recognize that the story is not over. What has been written is not gone. And if it's not gone, if it's still with me, I can continue to write a new story for myself going forward and reframe what has happened and how I got to where I am today based on where I end up.  Kevin  And that's what the origin story is all about. No matter where you came from in the hardship that you've endured, those things can propel you into the kind of future you want to have and give it that much more meaning.  Kathy  Yes, absolutely. It just is unlocking a lot of things for us when we go back into the past. And we want to be mindful that we understand that delving to things of the past can be hard. It can be painful. It can bring up a lot of trauma. As we embark on this journey to write our stories in our journey class, we have encountered that this past week when we began to map our stories. So mapping is this process of basically putting down all the highlights and the events and the key memories and it was hard. It was challenging. Our group was saying that they wanted to give up at some point and said they wanted to shut those doors. They didn't want to delve, go there, basically. Kevin  Right. It's hard to look back. The origin stories are often filled with darkness. And like I said before, there's a sense of disempowerment that happened to you when you were too young to recognize that it didn't have to be that way.  Kathy  Right. Kevin  And too young to have any sort of power to affect change. Often when you are delving into your origin stories, that kind of work is best done with, and within a therapeutic relationship that you're sitting with somebody who has the training to do some meaning-making, some conversational processing with you so that you can make sense of your past and you can delve through it in a healthy and safe environment and to gain the type of perspective, connection and empowerment that we're talking about.  Kathy  Yeah, absolutely. It is work that, what we wanna say is this isn't work that can be done alone. In our community, we are doing it together and we were able to reconvene and decide that we're gonna continue to move forward in finding a way to our past. We're gonna unlock those doors again, but we're just gonna find a different pathway there this next week. And what we have found so far is we have found these three keys that we just talked about, connection, perspective, and empowerment.  Kathy  And as I mentioned, from Leslie's book, "Your Story Matters", she has this quote which I think really sums up why, again, this is so important. It's a great summary for our discussion today. She says, "writing the stories from our past enables us to live them again, but this time we live them wiser and better."  Kevin  So good. And so we have these three keys, these three things that we gain when we look at our story and we know that we can live our stories again wiser going forward, but how would you suggest our listeners do that in their own origin stories? Where's the starting point for that? How do you begin that work? Kathy  Yeah, this is a great question. This is a practical step that you can take if you're listening today. One would be if you do have any living relatives that have some stories that they can share with you about the history of your family. If you don't have any living relatives, you can go on to ancestry .com. This is not a commercial for them, but we wish they would reach out. But if you go there and you know some dates and names, and if your family has been here a couple generations in America, that would be the other thing I would say, at least two generations here in this country, you could just log on. And in the free version, you can find out a lot of discoveries. Everything from marriage certificates to census reports, ships registries; that's what Kevin found at Ellis Island. They're all online.  Kathy  It's so fascinating. So those are the two things that I would say is, reach out to a relative who can share stories, or you can also go online and look through that. Kevin  Yeah, I think the other way that I mentioned before is, if you start diving into your story and you recognize that there's more darkness than you may be able to face on your own, turn to a therapeutic relationship, initiate a therapeutic relationship if you don't have one, or bring some of those stories to your therapist to help have a trusted person walk you through some of those difficult stories. I would also say, too, take your relatives' stories with a grain of salt. If you come from a family like mine, where there's divorce and division within the family, there's different versions of the same story that are being told. And so it's hard to know what is the truth. And the reality is that whatever story is being told by that person, that's their truth. Kathy  Their perspective. Kevin  And the work I've done with my therapist is to take parts of those stories to form my own. And know that the greater truth is that all of those things are part of who made me who I am and to work through each of those things individually, but then to make sense of them for how I want my story to unfold going forward.  Kathy  And I would say a final way for those of you who want to dive into your stories, in addition to what we said is a couple of episodes back when we were going through grief, we talked about this process of listing. And we are using it in our current class as mapping. So basically what you do is you take some sticky notes and a poster board and you are going to map out the different time periods of your life. It's a brainstorming exercise where you're able to list memories, events, highlights.  Kathy  We will be able to give you a link to a resource called Life Events https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AbSW6r0ZVu3kY9wzzm306yNcrWGVZ5rL/view?usp=drive_link that might be able to jog your memory. We'll attach that to this episode notes. And I just, I'm excited for you to dive into this because we just see the value of it so much.  Kevin  Yeah, so just to recap, we want to encourage all of you to take some time to delve into your origin story. What makes you who you are? Where have you come from? All of those things will inform where you are going next. We hope that as you delve into those stories you'll find some connection, you'll find some perspective, and gain some empowerment in that. Kevin  And so to conclude our podcast today, I'd like to offer a traditional Irish blessing for the journey that you still have ahead.  “May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. The rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.  May God be with you and bless you. May you see your children's children. May you be poor and misfortune, rich in blessings. May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward. May the road rise up to meet you.  May the wind be always at your back. May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home. And may the land of a friend always be near. May green be the grass you walk on. May blue be the skies above you. May pure be the joys that surround you.  May true be the hearts that love you. Amen.”  

18m

Feb 20

Listen as Kevin Deegan leads you in a blessing by Jan Richardson. May it bring you comfort and solace on your path to wellness: Kevin: You might think this blessing lives in the story that you can see, that it is curled up in a comfortable spot on the surface of the telling. But this blessing lives in the story beneath the story. It lives in the story, inside the story, in the spaces between, in the edges, the margins, the mysterious gaps, the enticing and fertile emptiness.  This blessing makes its home within the layers. This blessing is doorway and portal, passage and path. It is more ancient than imagining and makes itself ever new. This blessing is where the story begins.

1m

Feb 05

Summary In this episode of "Coping", Kevin and Kathy discuss personal stories and describe how to transform limiting self-perceptions. They analyze common story myths that reinforce feelings of inadequacy, loneliness or invisibility, and discuss remedies like sharing authentic experiences in trusted communities. While childhood stories can instill negative mindsets, reclaiming one's narrative by embracing the fullness of their story arc can foster growth and connection. Kevin  Well hello everyone, Happy New Year and welcome back to a new episode of “Coping”. Kathy  Yes, Happy New Year everyone. We're so excited to begin a new series this episode and it's movie award season in our household so what does that mean Kevin?  Kevin  Yeah it's movie award season in everybody's household but our household is special in that I am a Screen Actors Guild member which means that every year around this time we get a bunch of screeners. I used to get them in the mail as hard copies and now everything's digital so I get an awards pin and I get to sign in and watch all the movies that are nominated and it's a fun time of year because we watch more movies than we do the whole rest of the year combined and then I get to vote so it's been a really fun award season a lot of good movies this year.  Kathy  Yes! Speaking of stories, in today's episode we're exploring the power of story and I'm excited to dive into this issue. Let's get started.  Kathy  So I know both you and I love a good story. Why do you think that is?  Kevin  I think that our stories offer a window into our experience, into our lives, truths about who we are where we've come from and it connects us to one another because, although we may not have come from the same background, the same experience, there's this common or shared humanity that each of us has that connects us on a deeper level and our pursuit for meaning and for connection.  Kathy  Yes absolutely. I think that the power of story has the ability to change the way that we perceive ourselves, others, and to bring us together in a world that right now seems so divided. Kevin  That's right. You know, both you and I are in the business of story catching. As a hospital chaplain, I spend my days listening to people's stories and their experiences with new diagnosis and illness and recovery. I spend a lot of the time listening and hearing their story, affirming them. You do the same work as a life and vocation coach. A lot of your time is spent listening and capturing people's stories. Although we do give counsel and we do give guidance and reframing to people's stories, a large majority of the time spent is listening and hearing people's stories.  Kathy  Yeah, 100%. I love Harry Johnson's quote. He says, "we are all story. We are the stories we are told and we are the stories we tell ourselves." So I wonder, how are you the story you were told? Kevin  Gosh that is complicated, right? There's parts of my story that were told about me that I have spent a lifetime and a lot of therapy trying to overcome. Stories of being dumb, being not good enough. Stories of struggle and generational bondage, but then there's also parts of my story of being a leader, being a spiritual guide, being a compassionate human, being a support person and I think both of those stories are true, but it's complicated and easy to get stuck in the hard parts of my story and the tension of my story. But yeah, it's it's definitely complicated, and a story that continues to unfold to this day as I continue in therapy. What about you? How are you the story that was told about you? Kathy  Sure, so I shared this at our retreat on Sunday as we're going to explore this in our podcast today, one of the stories that I was told was that I could never measure up; I was not good enough, especially academically, and always trying to perform, please in my family of origin, and even now feeling that I don't live up to those expectations, but there was a marked period in my life where I decided to let go of that. It's still, like you said, an ongoing struggle to not live into the story we're told, but there was a time in my life where I decided, made a decision that I was not that story that I was told, but that I would be working against the story that I was told into a truer story.  Kevin  Can you unpack that a little bit? Like first, like how did you become aware of that story that was holding you back, that was keeping you stuck as we've talked about before? Kathy  Sure. Kevin  And what is the process of getting unstuck?  Kathy  Well, it was clear to me early on, this was like in college, there's an incident. I knew that I had a problem. achieved the highest levels that I could academically, and I would bring the results back to my family, and they were negatively received or not received in the way that I wanted them to be. It kept happening again and again. And even though I was more than content and satisfied with my progress, they were not. And that's where there was, if you want to call-- it's a dissonance, right? So there are two competing stories and they kept conflicting with each other.  Kathy  And I had to decide which story I wanted to tell. So I began to realize, even in this story that I was told that there are three main story myths: limiting stories, stories that keep us stuck throughout our lives. And that, typically, most everyone can identify with one or more of these. Kathy  The first step in broadening your story or the story you were told is to identify what story myth resonates with you. Kevin  What are those three story myths? Tell me a little bit about those. Kathy  Sure. So the first one is, "I am not good enough". And you and I have already talked about that story myth and how it resonates within our lives. The child that somehow cannot please their parents in whatever way, looking for attention, wanting to be a star student. Not that there's anything wrong with all of the things that we're talking about, but when that becomes your perpetuating motive in your life, you're not living into your true story. You are still trying to be good enough. So the first story myth is, "I am not good enough". Kevin  And how do we overcome it? Overcome if that is our story that is holding us back. How do we overcome that feeling? Because I know there's been times in my life where that was the story that was told about me, but I believed it. And the evidence that I had in my life was that what I was doing wasn't good enough. I wasn't living to my fullest potential. So, like thinking back to my 18, 19 year-old self, what could I say to him to help him in that story that he was stuck in, that I was stuck in and believed about myself because it was largely true.  Kathy  Well, this is where the power of story does come in. Number one would be to acknowledge maybe the places where you aren't good enough and begin to step out of the thick story into a broader story that is more a story of growth and change. So for me, for example, if I continued to believe the myth that I just wasn't good enough academically, that mindset would not help me to achieve. Instead, I had to begin to consider the possibility that maybe I was good enough and that that could potentially spark more growth and more abilities for me to step into the power and strengths that I actually had in my life. Instead of being stuck in, "Oh, that's Kathy, she just can't make the grades." Kevin  Yeah, the way that I think about it is sometimes the way that we tell our story is that it's set, that there's a finality to it, right? That this is who I am and I'm not going to change. I'm not capable of change. What you're saying is the power of story is considering the possibility that, although it may be true that I'm not enough or my grades are not what I want them to be or my life is not what I want it to be, considering the possibility that maybe the story isn't set, maybe it isn't finished, maybe it isn't the final chapter, that maybe it's true that it's not enough and I want something to be different. And so I'm living into a new story out of that truth of I don't feel enough, but I'm going to seek out ways to have that story unfold in a new way going forward. That's so good. I think that makes so much sense that would be super intuitive for my young self that there was a lot that was pointing to the fact that I wasn't good enough and I wouldn't really amount to anything. I don't really know how things turned around for me, but looking back, I didn't want that to be my story. Kathy  So you began to surround yourself with people who would write a new story for you. That's what happened in your life. I was there. You were around people like me who said, "no, your story isn't the, 'I didn't graduate from high school kid'. Your story is the story of someone who has a dream to go to Los Angeles and dream bigger than you can ever imagine for yourself and for your life."  Kevin  But part of it, I don't know if this is another, if this is related to another story myth, but I also believe that I was the only one that was struggling in this way that everybody else around me had their life together. I was the only one that was struggling. And what I learned is that those people around me that had their lives on a different path had come through a lot of trials and challenges and had overcome those. And because I learned that that was possible, I believed a new story for myself. Kathy  And so you're touching on the second limiting story myth and that is "I am alone". Kevin  Oh wow. Kathy  "I am the only one going through this. No one understands." And here's the thing. It's true that nobody has gone through exactly what you're going through, when you're going through it, how you're going through it. But it's not true when we take on a mindfulness perspective about our story that says, "Okay, I am broke. I don't have any money. I don't know, I'm gonna lose my house." That there are others going through that right now, even as you say these words, right? And the antidote to this is the power of story because then you connect. Feeling alone is disconnecting. Sharing your story is connecting. Kevin  How do you encourage somebody who's stuck in the "I am alone" story? It seems as though with this myth, there can be like a catch-22 scenario where they're alone and they don't have anybody to share their story with. And if sharing their story is gonna make them feel less alone, how do they break out of that? How does one who is actually alone and feels alone start using the power of their story to be less alone?  Kathy  Sure, and we don't wanna minimize the loneliness. The surgeon general has said that we're in an epidemic of loneliness. He's declared it a national emergency. So we're not minimizing anyone's loneliness or feelings of alone today. We wanna tell you that it is real. And so as he said, and as we say it, Be Well, "the antidote to loneliness is to reach out", is to find community, is to join a class, to go to your faith center community, to join one of our groups. We have a story class starting Wednesday mornings and it's virtual so you can join from wherever you are to reach out, to dispel the idea that you are alone, you are feeling alone. And so of course that is your truth, but to dispel that is by reaching out and connecting.  Kevin  Yeah, and one of the things I've learned from you and your work with students over the years is that oftentimes the student will start with you in private coaching and then you'll funnel them into a group setting and that is where they start to see some major breakthroughs in their life and start to overcome some of the obstacles in their life. Why is that? Why is it that somebody who is alone feels that their life starts to change when they're in a group setting as opposed to getting that help from a coach individually? Kathy  Because we were created for community and relationships. So the mere fact of being related and connected in community is tapping into the true story of ourselves, that the Creator created us to be in relationship, is a relational God and desires us to be in relation and when we're not, we are literally cutting off of ourselves to how we were created.  Kevin  Mm-hmm, and that's how we get stuck in our story. Our story stops unfolding because we're not in community, part of what we were created for, yeah. And you said that there's three main myths. What's that? What's that third myth? Kathy  Sure, so to review, "I am not enough" was the first one, the second one "is I am alone", and the third myth is "I am invisible". So this one is if you grew up as an invisible child in your family, you may struggle as an adult with a need to be seen. You know, it's the "pick me, pick me" sort of like, "oh I am not chosen." It is sometimes related to issues with belonging and fitting in. These folks grow up as sometimes literally talking louder than most people in the world to be heard and seen. It's very interesting. Kevin  Wow, and what is the remedy? How do folks who feel invisible and are stuck in the story that I'm invisible -- how do they overcome that? Kathy  So the folks that are invisible oftentimes have trouble leaning into their authentic story because they're denying their origin stories. Ironically, they wanted to be seen and then because they weren't, they deny the origin story. So one of the antidotes is a telling of their authentic story, like all the good, the bad and the ugly and sharing that authentically with the world, and with that then comes like we've said before that then they're heard and seen through the telling of their authentic story. They connect with someone who says, "wow, that happened to me too. Thank you so much for sharing that. I had no idea." And then they're no longer completely invisible, at least for that moment in time and space when they're being acknowledged for the very thing that they were denying.  Kevin  Yeah, I can imagine the folks who are set in the story "I'm invisible" only wanting to share the positive aspects of their story because they're wanting people to see them in a positive light. Perhaps there's this underlying belief that the reason why I'm invisible is because there's nothing valuable about me and so let me highlight the good things and leave behind the things that are causing me to be invisible. And what you're saying is that the exact opposite is true. Kathy  But the broken pieces are the ones, yeah, the broken pieces are actually the connecting pieces, the missing pieces of the puzzle to help us feel more empowered, more seen, more heard, more connected.  Kevin  Yeah, that's really good. Kathy  And one caveat I would say to everyone out there as you're exploring your origin story and your story misses, be sure to share your story with a trusted person. Sometimes you perpetuate this whole myth when I know someone who is an invisible person and they go back to their family of origin that continually perpetuates the idea they're invisible and they share the story and they're like, "So Kathy, they just shot me down" and I was like, "Okay, because you need to go to a safe and trusted person to share the story."  Kathy  So just one caveat there, don't go back to the same places where those reinforced stories were and thinking that, "oh, I'm gonna share my authentic story and now it's gonna work." Anything to say about that, Kevin?  Kevin  Yeah, no, I'm thinking is that we often go back to the origin of where we adopted that limiting aspect of our story to try to remedy them and thinking that if they can, if they're the ones that gave me this limiting story, they're the ones that reinforced that I'm alone, I'm invisible, I'm not enough. If I can go back and convince them that I am enough, that I'm not invisible, that perhaps that will make me feel better. And what I'm hearing you say is that, going back there is what reinforces the hurt and reinforces the false beliefs about ourselves and reinforces these myths that we believe that keep us stuck and set in our stories.  Kevin  And so instead we need to find safe people, new people perhaps who can see us, hear us affirm our story and set us on a new path of telling a new story and believing a new story about ourselves. Kathy  Right, we wanna add characters to our story and we want the cheerleaders, we want the teammates, we want all of those people cheering us on as we write the new chapters or our story. Typically we can't go back to characters that have been left behind in the script. There's new characters that are being written in to tell a new story. Kathy  So today we've learned the power of sharing, telling and embracing our stories to release or begin to begin a new story from our story myths. And if you love this topic, please consider joining our small group journey Reclaim https://www.bewellresourcesla.com/wellness that is starting Wednesdays from wherever you are. We're actually gonna be telling and writing our stories, which is a very powerful and healing in a community, a safe community. So check out our website for information to join that and thanks for joining us today. Kevin  And so to end our episode today, I'd like to conclude with a story blessing by Jan Richardson. "You might think this blessing is a blessing that lives in the story that you can see. That it is curled up in a comfortable spot on the surface of the telling. But this blessing lives in the story beneath the story. It lives in the story, inside the story. In the spaces between. In the edges. The margins. The mysterious gaps. The enticing and fertile emptiness. This blessing makes its home within the layers. This blessing is doorway and portal. Passage and path. It is more ancient than imagining. It makes itself ever new. This blessing is where the story begins."

23m

Jan 29

As we celebrate with Christmas lights, we should be intentional about shining our own lights spiritually. We are called to illuminate the world and bring light where it is needed through our faith and actions. Let Chaplain Kevin Deegan lead you in prayer asking God for help in shining His light and bringing it where needed most during this season. Kevin: During the holidays, Christmas lights decorate our homes inside and out. We wrap our Christmas trees with lights and hang lights from the roof. These lights switch on at night so that they shine brightly and beautifully in the darkness.  The prophet Isaiah spoke about light saying, People walking in darkness have seen a great light. On those living in the land of deep darkness, a light has dawned. Our small strung together Christmas lights not only display the beauty of Christmas, but also, as Isaiah teaches us, help dispel the darkness.  As we celebrate with lights this season, let us intentionally shine our lights to illuminate the world around us. How has God's light dawned in your life? Where is He calling you to shine your light today?  Let's pray: God, you are the light of the world. We hear your call to be light in the world. Help us to shine brightly this season, and give us the power to bring light where it is needed most. We pray these things in your name. Amen.   

1m

Dec 24, 2023

In this episode of “Coping”, Kathy and Kevin discuss the symbolism of lights during the holiday season, highlighting familial traditions around decorative lights and the spiritual meaning of light in the Bible. Light represents hope during dark times, and as people who are called to shine their light into the world, we can think about what type of light we are, and the need to plug into spiritual sources to refill our light when it dims. The conversation covers how illness, trauma, grief, exhaustion, and lack of boundaries can dim our light. Practices like reading, walking, and unplugging can refill us. Reflect this week on your current light using a 1-10 scale - how bright are you shining? Identify factors that may be dimming your light right now. Commit to one new practice this season to plug into spiritual sources and refill your light. Reach out to friends or helpers if your light feels dim and you need support. Intentionally shine your light this holiday season to bring hope to those in darkness.   Kathy: Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Today's episode. We have a special advent holiday. Kevin: That's right today We're gonna talk a little bit about the theme of lights and what that means for this holiday season.  Kathy: Okay, let's get started. Kevin: So it's that time of year; we start driving around the neighborhood at night and we see lights and people's lawns on their trees outside. We can see through their window, the Christmas tree is decorated. Even in our own home our Christmas tree is up and the lights come on automatically on a timer. It's such a beautiful time of year with all these Christmas lights. What was your tradition growing up? How did you guys decorate your house inside and out? Kathy: Oh, that's a really good question. So we grew up in South Florida so it was not cold and so there wasn't like snow and that whole part of the winter celebrations. Kevin: Right you almost have to decorate a little bit more just to bring in the Christmas season because you don't have the natural changing of the weather there. Kathy: Sure, so a lot of people in South Florida do lots of lights because we don't have those extra winter effects. So Yeah, we would put out the lights and then one of our favorite family traditions was to drive around and look at all the lights. When we were young our parents to drive us in the car around and look at all of the neighborhood or other little neighborhood pockets where people put on big light displays.  Kevin: Yeah, so my brother and I, when we were older, took the initiative to decorate the house ourselves and so we would pull out those dusty boxes filled with old Christmas lights. And this was back in the day where you would test one light at a time when the strand was not working and we would try to find that broken light or the one that had you know blown and we would then use a little plastic pack with like three extra ones and then refill it in.  Kathy: The fuses. Kevin: So we would be hours and hours just trying to get the lights to work and then we had the bright idea of, "man we've done all this work and it looks beautiful this year. Let's leave it up the whole year and see if we can just you know not have to go through--" Kathy: Oh you were one of those families.  Kevin: We tried until just a few weeks later the lawn guys came and cut into the bushes and destroyed all the lights. I think that was the last year that we ever did Christmas lights. Yeah, well this episode it's our holiday episode so we're going to talk a little bit about lights this season and what the symbolism of lights are for us as we celebrate this holiday season. Kathy: So tell us a little bit about why lights are so important spiritually and the symbolism of that. Kevin: Yeah, that's such a good question. So I think from Judeo-Christian perspective, light is such an important theme in the Old Testament and the New Testament. Some of the very first of verses in Genesis talk about God's command, "let there be light." And then we see this certainly extended into the New Testament where light starts to become a symbol of people who are set apart in the world, but also an example of our call to shine our light.  I'm thinking about John 1 1:7, where it says, "but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another." And I think it's just such an important reminder that when there's so much darkness in the world, so much darkness around us and our personal lives, that we be a light, a light for other people when they're in their darkness. And when we shine a light, it's a symbol of hope, especially in challenging times in the world. Kathy: Yeah, it seems like every Christmas, things are getting darker and darker, not just outside, but in the forces that are working against the light. And we come to Advent and to this Christmas wondering, "is the light actually going to overcome the darkness? And what are ways we can be spreading more light since it's just so needed?" Kevin: Right. One of the teachings that we've done a few times with our community is to describe the kind of light that we are when we think about all the different kinds of light sources in the world. Would you mind just sharing a little bit about how you would describe yourself as a light? What kind of light do you see yourself as in the world? Kathy: Yeah, this is such an introspective, but very powerful and fun activity to think about all the different light sources around us from the lamps to the light bulbs to the matches to the campfires, to the lightning bugs. Yeah, there's just so many, and we take it for granted, I think that's something else you could say. Our power was out recently for 12 hours, and it was very, it was a wake up call to how much we rely on the light. Kevin: So much so we bought a backup battery just to make sure that we had a source to keep our light shining when we need it. Kathy: Yeah, absolutely. So when I think about the light source that relates to me, I think about lighthouses. I love the lighthouses, we visited some of them, but the idea that your light can emit far away to guide ships in, I think is one of the calls for me, and being a stable source of light people can come back to resonates with me. How about you? Kevin: Yeah, I see you definitely emit that kind of light in your work as a life and vocation coach, certainly within our family, just a very stable presence of light. That's definitely how I envision you and your light. I think for me, probably opposite to you, my light changes over time and in different seasons and depending on what's going on. And so there's times where I feel like I'm a bonfire, where my light is ablaze. Other times it feels really, really dim, almost like a nightlight. And so I think the best example of my source of light is more like a dimmer switch. There's times where I find myself shining really bright and that kind of bright light is needed if I'm teaching or speaking or leading some type of group and shining up bright light is important. And then having the ability to dim way down if I'm entering into a patient room in the hospital, sitting with somebody who's just gotten a new diagnosis and being present to them in their pain and their story.  Kevin: And so I've developed over time this ability to toggle my light switch up and down, depending on the scenario, depending on the encounter that I'm having with somebody. So I think the best representative of my kind of light is perhaps like a dimmer switch.  Kathy: That's really good. And you have to obviously be aware then about how your light source is emitting and when you need to turn it down. I grew up without dimmer switches. I didn't even know what that was, but it's such a powerful regulatory mechanism that we have now and for you to use that as a light. For you, I think that's really interesting, but it's very appropriate for the work you do. So you mentioned that sometimes your light is dim. I think that brings up a very good topic about what makes our lights dim. You're talking about the self-regulation of dimming, but a lot of times our lights are hidden, turned down, covered completely. What do you find often dims the light in others? Kevin: Yeah, that's such a great question. I think, as you're saying, the most important thing to do is to first be aware that your light is dim. Kathy: Awareness. Kevin: Yeah, awareness, yeah, exactly. I know in the work that I do, some of the obstacles or some of the ways that our lights are impacted is illness, trauma, pain, lack of support, those types of things can certainly impact somebody's level of light. I think for me personally the ways that my light dims the most is when I feel like I'm perhaps expending more energy or expending sending out more light into the world that I'm you know filling myself up with so I'm burning out quite literally emotionally, spiritually burning out and my light source is getting dim because it's you know the energy levels are pretty low. What about for you? What are some of the things that you feel like are dimming your light that that lighthouse that you are? Kathy: I think it's exactly the same right as helpers, we don't we're getting tired of turning our lights. We have been turning on our lights probably on maximum, full force since COVID because there's been so many needs for helpers, loss of jobs and illness and the level of crisis we've talked about through our season is very great in the world, so helpers are very tired. For me, it's exhaustion, a lack of rest and just feeling like I can't turn my light on anymore. I'm just too tired to. I can keep plugging back into sources, but it's just like not enough to light. The amount of power it takes, I think, for helpers and leaders, it's a lot. Kevin: Yeah, I'm even thinking about my source of light a dimmer switch often a dimmer switch is coupled with an outlet and so not only am I emitting light but I'm also an outlet for others to plug into and that can be exhausting I have to have double, triple, quadruple the amount of energy being poured in to me so that I can not only shine my light, but be a source of light for others. You think about a lighthouse -- I'm sure there's several outlets and other sources of energy for folks to plug into let alone helping them, guiding them to shore after a journey at sea, if you will. Kathy: Yeah, and I would say also that for those in our community, you mentioned illness, trauma, grief as dimming. I would also say related to that, you know, the lack of boundaries, what we're talking about, and the inability to pause, to rest, to reflect. And then not taking enough time to plug into the sources that fill us up in proportion to how much, like you said, the energy is going out.  Kevin: Right. Tell me a little bit more about how you plug into sources of energy to keep your light bright. What does that look like for you and what advice do you have for other people that are assessing that their light is pretty dim at this time of year?  Kathy: So one of the practices that we talk about and then I practice personally, I know you do too, is that we engage in what we call ING activities that are filling up and making us literally light up. For me, it's reading. I'm so proud to say I finished two books this week that I had started months ago, cooking, walking every day, napping. For some people, it's serving. For some people, it's cleaning. That's something that gets them filled up. There's endless possibilities.  Kevin: Yeah, this teaching that we talk about a lot is making sure that your practices include that ING. What's the participle, what kind of word is that as an ING? I always forget. Kathy: That's a gerund. Kevin: A gerund. That's right. Kathy: Of course. Kevin: The English teacher in you is coming out, yeah. So basically ensuring that the practice that we have is something that we do and gives us not just something to strive for, but something to actually do practically. And so I have these ongoing practices, journaling, praying, fellowshiping, playing. I like to play video games as a complete breakaway, watching movies, that type of thing. But I think certainly this time of year, what I need more than just my ongoing practices of self-care and rest are practices, like my annual practices that disrupt the routines that I have, and so making sure that I'm taking time to reflect on the whole year. You and I have talked before on this podcast about our year in review workshop, but also when we talk about our favorite things from this past year, we have a journal that we do with that.  Kevin: I also try to take some time away from work to completely unplug and to free up some mental space. So ongoing practices are super important, all those gerund words, the ING words. And then try to think at this time of year, ways to disrupt my normal patterns and routines so that I can do a real good assessment about where I'm at, how I'm doing, what I'm needing as I look back to start to envision what might be upcoming in this next year.  Kathy: Yeah, so I think this is all very helpful, especially at this time of the year as we talk about lights and how we can dispel the darkness. The number one theme I think that we've emphasized today is to be sure that you're plugging into a greater source of light.  Kevin: That's right. We have all these practices that we can do, activities that we can do, but the reality is that we may be a source of light, but we're not the main source. We have to plug into a source of energy bigger than ourselves so that that energy source can be filling us up as we're shining our light and being an outlet for other people's light to have energy as well.  Kathy: And so to recap, step one, take a moment to think about the awareness of your light. How is it shining right now on a scale of one to ten? How bright is it? Step two, what is dimming your light? What is causing you to be not shining as brightly as the world needs you to be shining right now? And step three, plug into the source of a greater light source than yourself. We cannot get light from ourselves. Kevin: What are those sources of light that we can plug into when you think about a bigger source of light? What does that look like? Kathy: I think the bigger sources of life for most people are spiritual practices. For some others, it's faith, their deep faith, and all of the practices related to hearing from God and getting truth and light into their hearts and minds instead of believing lies and darkness. For others, it may be community and hearing how they're valued and seen from a group of people. So I would just challenge you out there. If you don't have any of those, please reach out to us at Be Well Resources. We want you to be shining your light brightly. the season and throughout the year. Kevin: And so with that, what I would like to do to close our time together today is to play one of the earliest episodes from season one of "Coping". It's a reflection on light and the type of light that we can shine amidst the darkness this holiday season. And so with that, whatever it is that you may be coping with, we want to extend this holiday season blessings to you. Holiday Lights Reflection Kevin: During the holidays, Christmas lights decorate our homes inside and out. We wrap our Christmas trees with lights and hang lights from the roof. These lights switch on at night so that they shine brightly and beautifully in the darkness.  The prophet Isaiah spoke about light saying, People walking in darkness have seen a great light. On those living in the land of deep darkness. A light has dawned. Our small strung together Christmas lights not only display the beauty of Christmas, but also, as Isaiah teaches us, help dispel the darkness.  As we celebrate with lights this season, let us intentionally shine our lights to illuminate the world around us. How has God's light dawned in your life? Where is he calling you to shine your light today?  Let's pray. God, you are the light of the world. We hear your call to be light in the world. Help us to shine brightly this season, and give us the power to bring light where it is needed most. We pray these things in your name. Amen.

18m

Dec 17, 2023

Listen as Kevin leads you through a simple, fill-in-the-blank meditation focused on gratitude and appreciation. Reflect on and write down two attributes of God you appreciate, one thing you are celebrating today, and three things you are most grateful for today before thanking God for all of the things you are grateful for.   Kevin: We're going to start with me asking just a few questions that I'd like you to reflect on. If you want to write your answers down, that'd be great, but if not, you can just call them to mind as well. So the first question is, what are two attributes of God you appreciate most today? The next question is, what's one thing you're celebrating today? And finally, name three things you're most grateful for today. So, this meditation is a fill in the blank blessing. As I read this blessing, reflect on these things that you are grateful for. And when I pause, fill in your own words to complete the blessing. Let's pray. God, thank you for being _______. Today, I will choose to celebrate ______ because I see this as a gift from you. Today I will take time to reflect on _______ because I'd like to remember.  I thank you for all the blessings in my life, but today I'm most grateful for these three. The first is __________. The second is ___________ and finally _________, and so I conclude by simply saying, “thank you.”

3m

Dec 05, 2023

The first episode of the 4th season of "Coping" discusses practices for celebrating Thanksgiving and carrying gratitude through the entire year. Kathy and Kevin love Thanksgiving for the food, family gatherings, and chance to reflect on blessings because reflection can bring about new direction and understanding. Practices like daily celebration and reflection can build gratitude. Learn how you can turn your Thanksgiving into Thanks-living and join us on December 7th, 2023 for our "Review Your Year" workshop. Kevin: Well, hi everyone. Welcome back to a new season of coping.  Kathy: Yes, today we're pausing our series on rest to have a special Thanksgiving podcast. Kevin: Yes, we hope that you all are enjoying your Thanksgiving week. If that's when you're listening to this episode. We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Kathy: What's your favorite part of Thanksgiving? Kevin: Good question. Okay, so this is going to surprise you a little bit. My favorite part about Thanksgiving is how much food is made and that it gets spread out over many more meals after the holiday itself. Which -- you know me really well --it's strange because I don't actually like leftovers other times of the year. It's really only Thanksgiving that I enjoy having the same food multiple days after the big feast.  Kathy: And I'm the opposite. I love leftovers and I love spreading out all my meals. So I'm excited to talk about Thanksgiving, leftovers, pumpkin pie, I'm getting hungry already.  Kevin: Yes.  Kathy: Let's get started. Kevin: So this week we celebrate Thanksgiving and I know it's one of your favorite holidays. Why do you love Thanksgiving so much? Tell me about it.  Kathy: Yes, I think I love Thanksgiving. Of course, it's always about the food on the foodie. But I think the deeper celebrations of gathering around tables, it is a holiday celebrated by most everyone. I like the inclusive nature of the holiday. And I love the focus on gratitude, celebration, Thanksgiving, and the gifts of this year. Kevin: I know also that your birthday, especially this year, falls really close to Thanksgiving. And so in our household, it's a really fun time of year where we get to do a lot of celebrations for you and then lead us right into Thanksgiving holiday meal and time with family.  Kathy: And so let's revisit this concept of the leftovers that we discussed earlier. Talk to me a bit about that. What is this Thanksgiving leftover theory that you have? Kevin: You know, when I think about Thanksgiving and gathering with friends and family, and food being the centerpiece of that, the thing that gathers us together. And I love that idea that we have one big elaborate feast with friends and family for fellowship, but what we take with us is not just the food and a carryout, to-go bag, but we take with us those memories that shared time together, and then it rolls itself into the rest of the weekend, into the rest of the end of the year. And it's just a, I think, a great opportunity for us to remember that giving thanks doesn't have to be just one time a year, that we should have a practice of giving thanks. Kathy: Yeah, I really love this. One of my favorite authors Ann Voskamp says that, "our goal is to turn our thanksgiving into thanks-living." And we have done one of our previous podcasts on this, and we had a guest, Anleisha, who told us her story about that. But I think today's podcast, we wanna give some practices that will help turn this Thanksgiving into Thanks-living. Kathy: The first is celebration. How do you use celebration as a spiritual practice? Kevin: Yeah, oh, absolutely. Celebration is a big one. So let's start with the definition. Oxford Dictionary tells us that celebration is the action of marking one's pleasure at important events or occasions by engaging in enjoyable and typically social activities. And so we all do this in really natural ways, right? We have our birthdays and anniversaries and, you know, the holidays, it's on our minds, it's on our calendars. We gather and we celebrate these things. I think perhaps this year, more than most, the practice of celebrating in the midst of so much chaos in the world, so much upheaval in our personal lives, celebration may not feel like a natural thing.  It may not be our natural inclination this year. And so what I want to call to mind is another type of celebration, another type of Thanksgiving in the midst of so much chaos. And I'm reminded of a quote from a dear friend of mine, Father Mark, who always likes to say, "it's always important to balance the bitter with the sweet." And what he means by that is to remember the sweetness of life when life feels especially bitter. And the best way to do that is with a piece of cake, a piece of pie, a little bit of ice cream or some candy, something just to savor and to enjoy in the midst of very unenjoyable times in our lives.  And so I think maybe this Thanksgiving is where we take time to balance all the bitter in the world with a little bit of sweetness. And that's the food that's on the table, the friends that sit around the table with us and the fellowship that we get to share. Kathy: Yeah, that's such a wonderful practice, an idea. Speaking from my recent celebration experience of this past week, which was my birthday, it was a great pause in the midst of a very chaotic and difficult month, I would say, to focus on joy and gratitude. And it was uplifting. It didn't seem natural. It didn't seem like, "oh, let's stop and celebrate." But we did anyway. And we were all better as a result. I love Adele Calhoun in her book, Spiritual Disciplines Handbook.  She speaks of celebration as one of those disciplines. And she says, “when we're able to set our hearts on this joy, it reminds us that we can choose how we respond to any particular moment.” When we can set our hearts on joy, that will remind us that we can choose how we can respond to any particular moment.  Kevin: That's right. If we can choose to celebrate in the midst of chaos, that also teaches us how to respond in times of crisis. So we have this practice of celebration, and we know the importance of celebrating daily and weekly and monthly as we just talked about. What is another practice that we can do to extend thanksgiving to every day of the year?  Kathy: Sure. The next one we want to discuss is the practice of reflection. So we just talked about celebration. And that is a pause. Reflection is also a pause, but it's the intentional practice of pausing to remember. We are doing the looking back in order to figure out how to move forward. And this could take the form of written, where we're doing like journaling, that sort of thing, or it can be oral where people are, even like if you think about reflection happens in memorial services, where we're doing a reflection back --  Kevin: Telling stories. Kathy: Telling stories. Correct. You and I do a year-end review with our family, where we actually look back. Kevin: Yeah. So we've developed this booklet, it's called Year in Review, that we do every year and as the kids have gotten older we've included them in this and it's kind of a fun ritual that we do in our family. But basically there's these questions that we look back on the year and talk about and write the answers down and some of the questions that come to mind are like your biggest accomplishment this last year, best new purchase --  Kathy: Favorite movie, best vacation -- Kevin: Best new hotel, best new restaurant, things like that.  Kathy: Hardest challenge. Kevin: Yeah, there's a lot of really good questions to reflect on and to remember and I'm always surprised at the end of the year, the amount of things that we did. The year goes by so fast and I think I have developed a practice of forgetting in order to cope with all of the challenges in life. But when we choose to reflect and then remember the good things in the midst of all the hard things that have happened, it's always such a meaningful practice. And I always feel like the year feels a little bit more meaningful because we take that time together as a family. Kathy: Yeah, I love what you said about the forgetting part, right? So much is happening. We need the pause. And that reminds me of Emily Freeman's quote, where she says, "the problem isn't that we aren't learning. The problem is that we forget." So I think what happens is we're just going 24-7. And we're consuming a lot and we're never pausing to digest it and then also figure out what we have learned.  Kevin: Right. Kathy: So if we don't take these pauses for reflection, we're not making the most of the opportunities that come our way when we can't reflect back on that. They just are just sort of like passing us by. So let's just say that we go through the whole we go through a year, years, not journaling or making note of or highlighting things. Then we turn around and years have passed and we're like, what did we even do? And what are we doing it for? Kevin: I know for me, especially in my line of work, I go from one crisis to the next. And the next thing you know, you look up and it's like the end of the year or like the middle of the year. And I'm like, wait, how did that happen? And what I hear you saying is that reflection helps get the control back of the time that feels like it slips away so quickly. But more than that, it's an opportunity to learn and to grow from all of our experiences so that we're living life, not just trying to cope and survive and deal with all the problems that come our way. We can actually take some of the control back, some of the slow the time down. just a little bit through taking that time to reflect. Kathy: It lifts us out of reflection, will lift us out of survival into significance.  Kevin: Yeah, that's really good. So how do we do that though? Like life is chaotic, there are hard things. What does that look like to take time to reflect? Kathy: Yeah, so we can do a daily reflection practice, the practice of the examin, some of you may be familiar with, and that is a daily practice of looking back on your day. You're asking the questions, basically what happened in my day today? And where was I present? Where was I not? Oh, what happened at that moment? It's such a good reflection practice to do that daily. And then you can also go on to do this, of course, weekly and monthly. And it is just about stopping, pausing, recognizing the gifts of these days. Kevin: Yeah, so in chaplaincy we have this philosophy "Action Reflection Action", meaning with everything that you do, especially when you're first learning like clinical pastoral education, that everything that you do, you take time to reflect, to learn from and to improve the practice. But it's certainly a philosophy that extends beyond a residency into a full-time chaplain role, that you're taking time to reflect, to make meaning, and to improve your practices going forward. And I think for me, reflection is simply looking in the mirror. And instead of just seeing yourself in that reflection, you get to see your soul. And so reflection can be something that we do looking backwards, because a mirror only reflects backwards, it doesn't reflect forwards. But when we look backwards, that's the way that we're able to make sense of where we've come from, so we have a better idea of where we want to go. Kathy: Excellent. So, to sum it all up, we have some celebration and reflection practices that we're all going to begin to utilize. We hope that this has given you some small steps toward having thanks -living this year, instead of just Thanksgiving. And speaking of reflection, we have our annual Review Your Year workshop coming up on December 7th. Everyone is invited to this. It is a time of celebration and reflection, where we get to look back on this year, all that it brought to us. We talk about our word that we had, and we're also setting an intention. So if you are interested in that, please sign up on our website at BeWellResourcesLA.com, and we'd love to have you. To close our time today, Kevin:, would you lead us in a Thanksgiving meditation? Kevin: Yeah, I'd be happy to do that.  Meditation: We're going to start with me asking just a few questions that I'd like you to reflect on. If you want to write your answers down, that'd be great, but if not, you can just call them to mind as well. So the first question is, what are two attributes of God you appreciate most today?  The next question is, what's one thing you're celebrating today? The next question, what's one thing you're reflecting on today? And finally, name three things you're most grateful for today. So this meditation is a fill in the blank blessing.  As I read this blessing, reflect on these things that you're grateful for. And when I pause, fill in your own words to complete the blessing. Let's pray. God, thank you for being _________. Today, I will choose to celebrate __________.  Because I see this as a gift from you. Today, I will take time to reflect on __________. Because I'd like to remember __________. I thank you for all the blessings in my life, but today, I'm most grateful for these three.  The first is _________. The second is _________. And finally _________. And so I conclude by simply saying, "thank you."

16m

Nov 21, 2023

To finish out Season 3 of "Coping", Kevin leads you through a simple prayer for rest by Kate Bowler. We hope it comforts you every time you hear it.   Kevin: This blessing of rest is from author Kate Bowler: Oh God, again, I lie here awake, too tired, too restless for sleep to come. How will I ever get through tomorrow? Oh God, bring peace to my mind and body, and blanket me in the heaviness of slumber. Blessed are we still awake in night's loud darkness who say, oh God, help me. You know the state I'm in. My mind is a runaway train and my body It's captive. You know all that troubles me. Take hold of me. Study the racing of my heart. Breathe fresh comfort through the whole of my being. Wrap me in the secure knowledge of your love. Remind me that tomorrow's worries can wait because tonight has enough of its own. Blessed are we who wait in the silence, who remember that darkness is not dark to you. Who pray, oh God, receive me. Gather me. Strengthen me. Sustain me. And free me to tell you everything. Bless our we who listen in the quiet. for you to breathe life into all that is spent and gone, filling mind and soul and body with hope, and the beauty of your peace that passes all understanding gentle as the dawn. Welcome one sweet thought. Follow it until it grows into genuine gratitude. Rest there. Amen.

2m

Nov 07, 2023

In this guided meditation, Kathy invites listeners to pause and reflect on a significant loss in their lives. You are encouraged to explore the emotions tied to this loss, acknowledging feelings of sadness, anger, or fear. Be at peace knowing that you are not alone in your journey. Kathy: We wanted to give you some time right now to think through your feelings as related to your grief. So would you pause with me a moment? Take a few moments to pause. And I want you to narrow in on one particular loss for this exercise. Which loss is most prominent for you right now in your life? I want you to begin to think now how it makes you feel. Why is the loss so heavy for you? Does the loss make you feel sad, angry, fearful?  Sit with your loss for a moment and think about the main feelings that arise for you. It's okay to have more than one feeling as you think on this loss. you Finally, give yourself permission to sit with the loss and the feelings that come up for you.  If you need extra support and help with this process, feel free to reach out to us at Be Well, and most of all know that you're not alone. Thanks so much for joining us for this conversation, and whatever you may be coping with today, blessings to you.

2m

Oct 03, 2023

Kevin: So those of you that participated in the listing exercise last time, if you want to grab that list out or listen to that episode and create a list of losses, you can build on that exercise in this new exercise.    So as you're looking at that list of losses, what I would like you to do is to start thinking about the ways in which the list of losses are interconnected. That process may be natural for you where you begin to draw those connections quite easily and readily.    If you feel like you're struggling to think about how those list of what feels like random losses are connected, I want you to choose one big loss on that list of losses, whether it's one of the biggest losses in your life or one of the most recent losses in your life.    Start there. Write that word down in the middle of a blank piece of paper and as you look at that word, start to consider the other little losses that have come as a result of that big loss and write those words smaller around that word that's on the middle of your page and you what will begin to develop here is a flowchart.    What you can focus on is the size of the words that you're writing. The really big losses, use a bigger font. Some of the other little losses, you can write them in a smaller font. You can start to connect them one by one, using lines or circles.    However that starts to play out in your brain, start to make sense of it. And whatever that looks like for you and your experience. You. Get creative with it. There's no right or wrong way to do this, but what you should see by the end of it is a pretty messy page of losses that are interconnected by lines and shapes.    And hopefully it begins to look on the page a little bit like it feels in your brain and in your heart.    Kathy: Thanks, Kevin. That was a very helpful activity. We just want to say if you're needing extra support and help through your grief, feel free to reach out to us and whatever else you may be coping with, blessings to you. 

3m

Sep 12, 2023

Kevin: With a piece of paper, with the device in front of you, I want you to just begin with the first thing that comes to mind when you think of grief, when you think of loss. What's that thing that happened to you that feels it's always there? It's the heaviest thing in your backpack. Write that thing down first. Just maybe there's more than one thing. Go ahead and start writing down some of the things that come to mind as you continue to write.  Think about the things that you may not traditionally think of as losses, but feel like pain points for you. So those difficult conversations that you've had recently, the time that somebody said something that really hurt you, the time that something happened that made you upset in a way that you didn't expect, start writing down those things too.  You think about the different phases of your life. Your earliest memories, your childhood, your young adult life, and even just your recent experiences. What are some of those points in time that have made a lasting impression, a mark on you because of a loss, because of an experience, a difficult encounter?    Write down those things too. You may be at a point in your journaling where you're getting stuck, and that's okay. You can look over your list and review and see what other thoughts comes to mind. Even if there's something that you're not sure if it should be on the list, just add it.  Just write it down. If it keeps coming to your mind, just write it down. If you find yourself free flowing and writing a lot, go ahead and keep on writing until you get to a stopping point. Now that you're at the end and you're looking over your list, why don't you circle those things that feel most heavy right now?  I'm only imagining what you've written on your list. Thinking of my own list and let me be the first to say, my goodness. No wonder you feel the way that you do. No wonder this has been so difficult for you.  Look at all that you've been through. So for whatever you may be coping with, we want to extend our blessings to you.

3m

Aug 08, 2023

Kevin: Well, hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Kathy and I are happy to be with you guys today.  Kathy: Yes. So last episode, we talked about the ways we process grief stuffers and sharers.  Kevin: Yes. And we talked about ways to process our grief rather than just stuff it or just share it. And so in this episode, we're going to go a little bit deeper and talk about one way we can begin to get that grief out, how we can go from dealing with grief to processing grief. And so the question we're going to begin with is, "Kathy, are you a list lover or hater? How do you feel about lists?"  Kathy: I love lists, and I can't wait to dive into this. So let's get started. You mentioned that there's a process we can use to begin to actually get the grief out. Can you explain it a little bit more?  Kevin: Yeah. So we all have lists that we have running, whether it's grocery lists or to do lists or goals that we have by the end of the year, lists of know, instructions from Ikea, whatever that may be. We have these running lists of things. One example of a list that I have in my new job, I keep a running list of all of the things that I need to do in a particular day or particular week, and I'm constantly adding and subtracting things to that list. What about you? What's one of the lists that you keep? Kathy: Oh, my goodness. I have so many. My funniest lists are related to shopping, like grocery, Christmas, birthday. That running. I have so many random items on there that for this episode, I was looking at my lists, and I have 181.  Kevin: Oh, my gosh. Literally 181? Kathy: Yes. Kevin: Oh, my goodness. How is it possible? How is that even possible? How do you keep track of 181 lists? Kathy: I have no idea. But I do have them. Kevin: Well, that's why you have them, right? Because there's so many things to keep track of. Oh, my goodness. That's crazy. I didn't expect that. Well, maybe we don't all keep 180 lists, but we have lists that are running, and we have them for very practical reasons. But there's an aspect of that practicality that will help us in the process of processing grief. The neuroscience tells us that there are two main benefits when it comes to list making. No matter what kind of list you're making, the two main benefits are externalizing and focusing.  The benefit of externalizing is to do away with mental juggling. I think we've all been there where we try to keep all of the dates and all of the times and all of the information in our head, and we just find ourselves struggling to keep all of it in our brains. And that's because the neuroscience says most people can only hold about four things in their mind at a time. And I'll be honest, four things sounds like way more than what I can handle. I can do maybe one and possibly two things, but I'm constantly having things fall through the cracks.  Kathy: Yeah, that's fascinating. Only four things. I think I'm the opposite. I'm holding 181 things, apparently. But this is very important to understand that if our brain can only hold four things, for those of us who attempt to hold more, we are not succeeding, and we probably are facing other consequences for holding all that information in.  Kevin: That's right. And it could be really mentally exhausting to hold all of that stuff in, and you're expending energy by trying to hold on to those things and not really accomplishing them. So it's a waste of energy. In addition to being challenging, it's a waste of energy. But the other benefit of list making is focusing. So keeping the list and making a list helps you to move from one task to another without wasting time. It ultimately makes you like a productivity ninja. If you have a list of things that you have to take care of instead of wasting energy and trying to remember all of those things, you can actually take time to accomplish each of those tasks one by one.  Kathy: Yeah, I think that it's so interesting that you're pointing out the focusing. Studies show as I'm helping people with budgets, like in coaching, studies show that if you make a grocery list before you enter the grocery, you're less likely to spend as much money. And so just the five minutes it would take to sit in the car before you walk into the store helps you focus. And then, of course, then there are lots of financial benefits, as one example. Kevin: Right. Exactly. So we have these two benefits of list making externalizing and focusing. But it really begins to beg the question, "how will listing help with our losses?" Well, the reality is when we experience grief and loss, our subconscious mind creates a running list of all of our losses. And this list runs deep and wide all the way back to our childhood. Some of those ambiguous losses, our mind retains all of those things. And we talked last week about the stuffers and sharers and their attempt to deal with this grief.  And the principle still that applies for this week is the need to seek out practices that promote externalizing and focus missing. And so when we are using the practice of listing, we can begin to externalize our loss and begin focusing on the pain to start processing that loss.  When it comes to grief, then externalizing our loss and focusing on our pain will help us to begin to process that loss and help us to move forward.  Kathy: How do you recommend our listeners engage in this listing practice for grief?  Kevin: Good question. First, I want to say it may feel a little bit awkward at first to create a list as it relates to grief. It won't be as intuitive, but that's kind of the point, right, is to start using that part of your brain that wants to move through the grocery store really quickly and efficiently and budget consciously for your grief. There seems to be a disconnect, but if we can draw a bridge between those two parts of our mind, I think it will help engage our whole mind into our grief and help us to process it, which is really what the struggle is with our grief, is that we don't process it. It's just there. The encouragement then is just to start. And the best way to start is have a blank piece of paper with lines and a pen and something to write with. Or if you're more of an electronic person like I am, pull up notes on your phone and just start making a running list.  You can start with the big things, work your way to the small things. You can start with the things that happened today, this week, since the beginning of the year. Just start writing down like basically a catch all list of all of the losses. What will begin to happen is some of those losses will relate to other little losses or there'll be subcategories of losses. You'll have some repeats of losses, but all of that externalizing of that loss will give you the opportunity to look at that list, to hold it in your hand, and to feel that affirmation of. No wonder I'm so tired, no wonder this has been so hard. Look at all that I've been through. And then that focus also gives you a new perspective to start to be more compassionate to yourself and helps you to focus in on where the pain is and where you need to be good to yourself and where you need to reach out for help and support.  Kathy: I think from my experience personally, and also doing this with our groups, when we're listing, we start writing down things we didn't even know were lost or things we had forgotten. I know that happened with me. And then drawing some links and connections between losses that I hadn't thought about for decades. So getting it out, the externalizing is super helpful. We had one student say she didn't know that her job loss that happened six years ago was the cause of her depression. It's a simple but very, very effective tool. Kevin: Yeah. And that's what our brain does. Right. Our brain is wired to make connections. And so when we're creating a list like this and we're able to see it tangibly, the brain will start to naturally connect the dots of the losses that we've experienced and where a lot of our pain is coming from.  We've talked about the 6th stage of grief before, and that's meaning making. So when we find ourselves in the process of grieving, meaning making is such an important practice that we need to include in the highs and lows of a loss. And we can begin the process of meaning making at any point during our grief experience. If you're able to see the list of losses and your brain's drawing connections about how the loss that you experienced this week is related to a loss you experienced in your childhood or related to the thing that you didn't think was a loss that happened two years ago. The brain can make meaning from that. And that's what the processing work really becomes fruitful and beneficial.  Kevin: And so I think what I would like to do to conclude our episode today is to lead you all through a journaling exercise to begin the process of list making.  If you're in a place right now where you're able to grab something to write with or you have a device in front of you that you can type on, I want to invite you to open that up, to pull that out and get yourself in the mindset in a space where you can practice some of that journaling right now.  So with the piece of paper, with the device in front of you, I want you to just begin with the first thing that comes to mind when you think of grief, when you think of loss. What's that thing that happened to you that feels it's always there?  It's the heaviest thing in your backpack. Write that thing down first. Maybe there's more than one thing. Go ahead and start writing down some of the things that come to mind as you continue to write.  Think about the things that you may not traditionally think of as losses, but feel like pain points for you. So those difficult conversations that you've had recently, the time that somebody's at something that really hurt you, a time that something happened that made you upset in a way that you didn't expect, start writing down those things too.  You think about the different phases of your life, your earliest memories, your childhood, your young adult life, and even just your recent experiences. What are some of those points in time that have made a lasting impression?  A mark on you because of a loss, because of an experience, a difficult encounter? Write down those things too. You may be at a point in your journaling where you're getting stuck, and that's okay.  You can look over your list and review and see what other thoughts comes to mind. Even if there's something that you're not sure if it should be on the list, just add it. Just write it down. If it keeps coming to your mind, just write it down.  If you find yourself free flowing and writing a lot, go ahead and keep on writing until you get to a stopping point. Now that you're at the end and you're looking over your list, why don't you circle those things that feel most heavy right now?  I'm only imagining what you've written on your list. Thinking of my own list. And let me be the first to say, my goodness. No wonder you feel the way that you do. No wonder this has been so difficult for you. Look at all that you've been through. So for whatever you may be coping with, we want to extend our blessings to you.

13m

Jul 25, 2023

Kevin: Well, welcome back, everybody, for another episode of Coping. Kathy and are happy to be here with you guys today.  Kathy: Yes. So welcome everyone. Last episode, we talked about grief in the four parts of ourselves: our body, our heart, our mind and our spirit.  Kevin: That's right. And in our quest for wholeness and reintegration, we begin coping with our loss in one of two main ways. And that's what we want to talk about today.  Kathy: That sounds really interesting. I'm really eager to hear more. Let's get started.  Kathy: So you mentioned that we often cope with our loss in one of two ways. Can you explain more? Kevin: Yeah. So in my work with families and individuals at end of life, I have begun to realize that there's two main coping strategies when it comes to talking about our grief. There are two types of grievers. The first are the stuffers. The stuffers are those that hold their grief inside. Now, they do this for all sorts of reasons, but some of the reasons I've heard include it's too painful to talk about. I'm afraid if I start, I'm not going to be able to stop talking about it. In my culture, my family, my religion, expressing emotion is frowned upon. And of course, there's those social stigmas like men don't cry or I'm trying to hold it all together and be strong for my family.  Kevin: See, the main obstacle for Stuffers, their tendency is to internalize their loss through silence, hoping to digest their pain. In other words, if I hold in my pain. I can hold myself together. And of course, when it comes to grieving, this can be very counterproductive.  Kathy: That sounds exactly like me. I know that I always go inward when I'm dealing with anything, but when there's a loss, since my brain is in overdrive, trying to figure out how to cope and find a way to move forward, I am, what you just said, attempting to digest my pain. And manage it. Right.  Kevin: You're showing your strength through what you can handle. Kathy: Sure.  Kevin: But the challenge with that is that grief needs to be processed. Kathy: So would you say that you're a Stuffer too?  Kevin: Oh, that's a good question. Yeah. And actually, I am not a stuffer. I'm the other kind of griever. So the second kind of griever are the sharers. Right. So you're a stuffer, but I'm actually a sharer. So the sharer expresses their grief any chance that they can get. And they do this for all sorts of reasons. But some of the most common reasons or the ones that I've experienced myself or I've heard are “I'm being vulnerable and authentic. That's why I'm talking about my grief”. Or, “I don't want to be superficial. That's why I talk about the hard things”. Or, “I like connecting with people. We should all talk about this stuff more often”. Or, “sharing my story makes me feel less alone.”  Kevin: You see, the main obstacle and tendency for sharers is to externalize their loss through story, hoping to diffuse the pain. In other words, if I get my pain out, I can get back to myself. So where you see, the main tendency of stuffers is to utilize silence and hoping that they can digest the pain, it's the sharer who tries to externalize their loss through story, hoping to diffuse the pain. What we need to move away from is the silence or the story. Move away from trying to digest or diffuse and try to rethink about how we can process our grief.  Kathy: Right, but what I don't understand the question is what's wrong with sharing your story? Isn't that what the whole goal would be?  Kevin: That's a great question. There's nothing wrong with sharing your story, but we all know those people who share the same story over and over and over again, especially as it's related to somebody that they've lost or something that they've lost or a change that's happened in their life. We refer to these people as being "story stuck". I think we've all been there in our lives, though there may be something in our life right now that we're stories stuck in. And what happens is that we're telling the story again and again, feeling the emotions, the highs and lows of the experience, but not processing the underlying pain and the trauma that that story caused in our lives and the identity shift that's come from that loss.  Kevin: And so it really requires, whenever you're getting into story of stuckness, it usually requires some type of professional help so that somebody who's trained in processing that story to help really break it down and get you to that meaning making in order to find a way forward through it.  Kathy: Okay, so that makes sense. So for the sharers, story stuck is the issue, but for stuffers like me, how do I break my cycle? Is there something that I can work on?  Kevin: Yeah, so I think it's really just about building a practice of externalizing that pain, and a few simple ways to do that is through journaling. Oftentimes the stuffers are naturally introverted, and so journaling is a practice that doesn't feel so daunting and overwhelming to talk about your feelings. You get to process through writing. I think also stuffers can practice externalizing that loss through sharing with a trusted friend, inviting them to coffee or a phone call, just to say, hey, I want to share this thing going on with you. I just need you to listen. I'm not asking for advice or for help. I just want to take some time to share with you what's on my heart today. And I'm not even sure exactly what I'm feeling or how I'm doing.  Kevin: I just want to tell you what's on my mind and have a space to do that. And I know that you're a safe person who could hold that space with me. So I think whether with a trusted friend or in a journal or if you feel like you've attempted those two things and you're still feeling a little bit stuck or feeling silent, reaching out for some therapeutic help might also be wise as well.  Kathy: Wow, that's really helpful. And so just to clarify, what are the two main ways of processing, again? Kevin: The two tendencies of grief really are the stuffing and the sharing. Kathy: Is it a possibility to be a blend of both?  Kevin: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. This is actually one of the most common questions that we get when we include this in a grief workshop. There's times in your life that you may be stuffing. There may be other times in your life, other types of losses that you share, and there may even be some spaces in your life that you feel comfortable sharing and other spaces where you decide to stuff. And that's natural. Kathy: That's helpful. And so remind me, what is the practice I can use as a stuffer? Kevin: So as a stuffer, the tendency is to internalize, and so the practice is to externalize. So what you want to try to do is get the story out. And you can do that through journaling, talking with a trusted friend or speaking to a therapist or a counselor, somebody who can walk you through that story. Kathy: And then for sharers like you? Kevin: For folks like me, we must seek ways to focus on our pain rather than the story so that we might begin to process the loss. So Sharers can also utilize journaling, and instead of journaling the story, we can hone in on the pain, hone in on the loss, hone in on the change that's occurring. So what I recommend for Sharers is to move away from narrative journaling and start doing bullet point journaling. And what I would like for Sharers to do in their journaling is to use a list in order to identify the list of losses that have occurred. That's going to help us focus in on the pain behind the story rather than just the narrative that can-- Kathy: Keep us stuck.  Kevin: Yeah, exactly. It's going to actually help us feel less stuck because we're moving away from that story of stuckness. Kathy: Well, Kevin, this was all super, super helpful. As we think about the ways that we process our grief, I'm wondering, as we end our conversation, if we could all just pause for a moment and ask themselves this question: are you a Stuffer? Are you a sharer? If you are a Stuffer, what are you currently stuffing right now? If you are a Sharer, what do you need to focus on to process this upcoming week? Kevin: So whatever you may be coping with, blessings to you.

9m

Jun 27, 2023

In this episode we talk about 4 common misconceptions about grief and explore the difference between grief & grieving. Listen in as we as we dive into this challenging topic. Whatever you may be coping with-- Blessings to you...

12m

Apr 25, 2023

This bonus episode Kathy will read an adapted version of a prayer written by Jackie Trottman.    "Dear God, In the noise and busyness of life, I thank you for opportunities to slow down, tune in and become attentive.  I am aware of the world around me. I am aware of the tone of my voice – how I talk to others and how I treat others. I am aware of how I talk to myself and treat myself. Thank you for your perfect love. Because of this love, I treat myself and others with loving kindness. Help me to practice awareness in all areas of my life. Help me to be aware of your presence in my life and in the world. Help me each day to become more aware of my body and spirit. Help me to listen to your voice which guides me in all areas of my life. Through your power and presence within me, I know that I can handle any challenge with grace.  Help me to bring this quiet peacefulness and awareness to each day. Amen."

1m

Apr 04, 2023

In this episode we explore "Awareness" as a practice for Coping. We talk about the 3 levels of awareness and offer real-life examples for each. Listen to the end as we conclude with an awareness prayer. Many blessings to you. 

10m

Mar 21, 2023

This guided meditation is from Spiritual Director Erika Clauson. It is a calming prayer intended to support you in your journey to wellness, especially as you experience fear and anxiety. Enjoy. 

7m

Mar 13, 2023

Is Fear & Anxiety the same thing? What's the difference? Listen to this episode that explores the difference between the experience of fear vs. anxiety. We'll break down the myths associated that often keep us trapped in a prison of fear & anxiety. Enjoy. 

18m

Feb 28, 2023

This bonus episode includes a conversation with Mary Taylor who accomplished the impressive goal of reading 1,000 books in retirement. We hope you enjoy her reflection on this amazing journey and the powerful lessons she learned along the way. Enjoy!

33m

Jan 30, 2023

New Year's Resolutions are all the rage. But when it comes down to it, how do we actually keep the resolutions we make? Listen to this New Year's episode where we offer a remedy to ensure successful resolutions. Enjoy!

15m

Jan 17, 2023

Hardship is that unwanted and unexpected spiritual gift that can't be returned or refunded. Listen in to our special holiday episode as we discuss one holiday tradition that may help us cope better with hardships. 

13m

Dec 20, 2022

Hardship is that unwanted and unexpected spiritual gift that cant be returned or refunded. Listen in to our special holiday episode as we discuss one holiday tradition that may help us cope better with hardships. 

13m

Dec 20, 2022

Thanksgiving gives us an opportunity to practice giving thanks especially as we prepare for the holiday season. However, Thanksgiving is only a one-day-a-year holiday. How do we develop a daily practice of giving thanks? Listen now.

26m

Nov 22, 2022