(with music) TOPICS: talking my way through an art-of-asking fail that brought me a lot of what I didn't want, unsolicited advice, being less passhole-aggresshole, the power and ironic connection that no-frills 'nope' has to offer, longing for a world apart from transactions and future-fears and past-traumas that is more human and messy and in the moment and built on trust and desire for connection and allowing people to do well, flow over force, what not to say to a tightrope walker or leap-of-faither right before the big moment, building up courage through practice, building up momentum through urgency, leaping over pain and fear and risk and through the fire out of desire, being in the Zoom where it happens as a path to get in my own game, how being so close to achieving a goal can seem like being further away than ever and the importance of not giving up right at the finish line just because I can't see it and don't trust that it's right there, finding out what I need to survive by doing it and letting go and learning from failure and pain what I can and can't function without, a time to ride or die, going without a net or friends or family to catch my fall, the importance of wholehearted commitment to such a risky practice, not letting disappointment or anxiety or failure wrap its chains and anxiety around me and park me talking and thinking endlessly about what hurts when it's time to act mindfully to the best of my ability with what I've got. It's almost time for one final run. This is the moment it's all been building toward. Things I learned and heard along the way that I didn't even recognize the importance of at the time, things I overheard while talking to myself and listening to others suddenly have enormous usefulness. And most of all I know even if I fail it will all have been worth it. Especially the painful, messy, scary parts. They made me strong, made me survive, made me determined, made me brave and daring and bold. I've been asking and hearing variations on 'no' my whole life, including unsolicited and violent and threatening ones, but all the time life was calling and asking me, and I was refusing the call and saying 'no' and listening to others instead of my heart and soul and body. Please, even if I can't get what I want, let me get what I need. Gods know it would be, maybe not the first time, but the best time.