world is a house on fire
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…and losing and letting go… theres an art in everything. Thats how the love flows in. And out. And in again.
(with music) TOPICS: I dont know, the usual brain hurricane 4am freak-out? Sometimes I feel like this podcast is my evil secret, where my buried id comes out like a werewolf or Mr. Hyde and goes on paranoiac tirades that would drive away anyone who dared to get close enough to listen and defeat the point of speaking or singing out, that desire to connect and be seen and heard. But maybe my habits of trying to use one word that turns into ten, an unstoppable firehose flow when people only have a couple minutes to listen and then will get bored and irritated with not getting a turn to talk, are meant to be shaped and guided or even pounded into freewheelin freeballin freestylin. Maybe I need to stop trying to push the river of words and remonstrate with myself about not becoming my father, whose verbal press was unstoppable and unspeakably cruel as it used up every particle of air in the room and left no breath for the rest of us -- a man so like our last president in his endless diatribes and rambling and paranoia. Maybe instead of exacerbating that by pouring shame on myself, and fear, and abusing myself in thought for being The Worst Ever and Doing This Loneliness To Myself with my pain and shame and fear (and self-abuse) I really need to bring up and bring in the alliteration and rhyme and tighten the circles to come back in time for a rhythm to hold me. Maybe instead of trying to slow down when that feels like death, I should lean into going faster, harder, and aim my crazy toward more musicality. Even if I fail Ill land among those whose supreme love pours out relentlessly in acts of creation and recreation that are born, live and die even as they hit the air. And keep going. Its worth a shot, anyway. And Im running out of time. I can copy my heroes, no matter how unworthy I feel, and just keep going so fast I dont have time to park on my failures and despair.
Off the cuff to try something scary... no courage without fear...
Trying to let go of a question that is probably Too Much To Ask…
(with music) TOPICS: what to keep and what to save, living toward my values, letting go, circles of gift exchange, faith and imagination, trust, the contagion of animal fear, getting distance and height and perspective in the hopes of clarity, wishing for some serious long-term chill that doesnt demand or enforce chill or calm or silence. Can I surrender and still retain whats most important, and err on the side of not really knowing what that is yet? To whom do I surrender, and what? To whom and what am I responsible, and for what? Is anyone responsible to me? Will there come a time where words are actually less important, impactful, necessary and practiced than actions? A time out of time, for flow and music and equity, and seeing eye to eye -- long term, without expectations?
(no music) Emergency self-therapy/brain-storm session on the importance of having an outlet, taking my voice with me, and using and loving my words even if no one else wants them.
Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story by Lin-Manuel Miranda. I wish I could have done a better job, but Im making music like Im running out of time… which I am. In the end, have I sung enough? Will you hear my story, between these lines, from time to time?
Drift Away by Dobie Grey (I think?), Any Road by George Harrison
Carried Away by Graham Nash.
Dreams by Stevie Nicks (presumably; Im back to not-giving-a-fuck-perfect-is-the-enemy-of-done stylings).
(with music) TOPICS: unrequited desire, letting go to let flow, grief for a husband tying to desire to recreate what I loved best in me, and a desire to see desire for things about others as a lust to embody and emulate those things as best I can in myself. What I need to surrender, what I must keep, the buffet of my love being a WYSIWYG affair, not waiting for it because everyone who loves me has gone away, or weve not been enough for each other. Resolving to live and love with wild courageous vulnerable reckless childish abandon and love my way to the destination, knowing I might fall and fail, feeling the fear and not feeling the faith and leaping anyway. Everybodys gotta trust sometime. Please dont let me become my parents. I will do my best to try to be more like you were, my long-lost love, and give you back to the world that couldnt love you right and save your life. Maybe somewhere theres a place where Im enough and not too much, with just who I am in the ever-changing flow of moments. Where everything Ive done and been and learned and made up till now will have grown me in the right ways to be the man I need to be to enter, and harmonize with what I find there. Some doors I think I have to go through alone, vulnerable, and nakedly myself. Im here. I trust in you. Should I? show me.
(with music) TOPICS: needing to be alone, the arts of letting go & asking & giving without expectation, the art of hello without expectation of return, despair, pain, desire, hugging a fire, dreaming of warmth, visiting cold dead ground and windswept cliffs, feeling like broken glass, paranoia and marijuana and other mind-altering things, always being afraid of stepping out of line and the man coming to take me away, mask-related harassment and fears and symptoms, a desire for release from these last demands and cages, preparing to fly fly away, hoping to leap into (or possibly build) a better world & life and live in harmony and flow with it rather than at odds and hounded by it. But also longing for a pile of literal hounds to rest under. Drowning in a sea of puppy love, where everyone would love to drown. Except cat people, I expect.
(with music) TOPICS: putting myself into life, the courage of feeling the fear and doing it anyway, the creative act of getting out of bed and coming away from the ledge, Harold & Maude, Lewis Hydes The Gift, enthusiastic consent and giving over coercion and demanding and market exchange in life and art and sex and love and play and friendship and time and attention, making choices informed but not imprisoned by the past, the tangled webs and cages money makes for us, pitfalls and pit stops, seeing the world through the lens of a dreaming mind, ways of making meaning and following my heart, courageous over-sharing, how being raised in atmospheres of invalidation led for me to so much disregulation and distrust and self-destructive habits and overdramatic idiosyncratic weirdness and overall distress and pain. The connectivity of art versus the disconnect of extrinsically imposed rewards and demands. The courage to give, and live, and give myself to life with a big old YES or even a weary this is not all there is in spite of everything.
…I forgot the music, but please enjoy some Hawaiian vocabulary? It is very musical, even if the instrument is a little fumbling with new ways of speaking. I must go pour out some acts of creation.
With any luck, I finished it in time and it works. I hope you like it. This is how I made it: https://www.instructables.com/Playable-Cardboard-Ukulele/
(with music) My voice will go with you, if you want it. Aloha & mahalo.
(with music) TOPICS: talking my way through an art-of-asking fail that brought me a lot of what I didnt want, unsolicited advice, being less passhole-aggresshole, the power and ironic connection that no-frills nope has to offer, longing for a world apart from transactions and future-fears and past-traumas that is more human and messy and in the moment and built on trust and desire for connection and allowing people to do well, flow over force, what not to say to a tightrope walker or leap-of-faither right before the big moment, building up courage through practice, building up momentum through urgency, leaping over pain and fear and risk and through the fire out of desire, being in the Zoom where it happens as a path to get in my own game, how being so close to achieving a goal can seem like being further away than ever and the importance of not giving up right at the finish line just because I cant see it and dont trust that its right there, finding out what I need to survive by doing it and letting go and learning from failure and pain what I can and cant function without, a time to ride or die, going without a net or friends or family to catch my fall, the importance of wholehearted commitment to such a risky practice, not letting disappointment or anxiety or failure wrap its chains and anxiety around me and park me talking and thinking endlessly about what hurts when its time to act mindfully to the best of my ability with what Ive got. Its almost time for one final run. This is the moment its all been building toward. Things I learned and heard along the way that I didnt even recognize the importance of at the time, things I overheard while talking to myself and listening to others suddenly have enormous usefulness. And most of all I know even if I fail it will all have been worth it. Especially the painful, messy, scary parts. They made me strong, made me survive, made me determined, made me brave and daring and bold. Ive been asking and hearing variations on no my whole life, including unsolicited and violent and threatening ones, but all the time life was calling and asking me, and I was refusing the call and saying no and listening to others instead of my heart and soul and body. Please, even if I cant get what I want, let me get what I need. Gods know it would be, maybe not the first time, but the best time.
(with music) There are so many songs about rainbows because humans exist on a spectrum of humanity. Spectrums are ways of seeing things, whether colors or ourselves or each other. What we perceive in ourselves and each other informs our choices in how we treat each other. No matter how unconscious or habitual, we are humans, and can learn to change our choices, bit by little bit, toward or away from our hearts desires. This is the truth! This is my belief! …At least for now. Who knows what Ill know and believe tomorrow? Its not here yet. This is today, I am alive, and still I strive. Its the striving, not the freezing and parking on an idea or ideology or identity, that is the flow of life. We pour out creation because we must. Because life is pain and I want something better, I want something more, something I dream of and must create because my dreams are uniquely mine and only exist in my head until I put them out there, with all the risk and vulnerability that implies. Be the hat. Pass the hat. We came from fire and earth and water and wind, and will someday return to those things. Who we are is what we do with the time in between, with what weve got.
(with music) TOPICS: love droplets & love cactuses, when youre going through a desert of abandonment keep going -- hard, the melancholic beauty of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk in the time of COVID, gaining insight into the loss of my husband as well as the lack of parental acceptance, what not to do if you think your kid is suffering from low blood sugar, what not to do with your newborn infant if you want them to feel loved and wanted, being burned out on the sound of humans speaking without listening, when no or go away doesnt work, cutting and running, what I do and dont regret, not waiting for it, seeing heaven in a wild flower and eternity in a moment, radical acceptance, radical letting go, preserving childish enthusiasm and an open heart, trust falls into life, letting my heart drive and telling my jerkbrain to switch off for a while, when simple acts of strangers kindness trigger tears and grief, seeing failures as new information it takes courage to listen to, risking it all to win or lose but playing as well as I can with what Ive got in the time available, and continuing my practice of not basing my choices on -- or listening to -- the advice and opinions of those who arent paying the price and getting in the game. Also: how micro-dosing regularly with venting + validation with a network of skilled chill friends might prevent this island-destroying endless eruption of destructive lava-word-flow in the future. If I survive this fiery mess. And how messes make for some of the best and most inspiring, passionate, courageous, compassionate, loving people I know.
Excised from the original text (with some deletions at my own unique human discretion, not to put words in the authors mouth, but to dismiss what insults my soul and add my commentary to chime in with my own unique experiences and add rather than reduce or erase): https://marthalhyde.wordpress.com/2011/04/23/special-case-of-type-i-ptsd-rejected-children/
(with music) TODAYS SPECIALS DE JURE*: red foam noses for aspiring holy fools and sacred clowns, silk purple roses for those without the wherewithal to find and appreciate those flowers that die even as they to perfection grow, a limited supply of unique hats for aspiring Mad Hatters, pinballs for those who need to roll on and gather no moss in the Rube Goldberg machine of life (and may need an extra play), a song on this coin-operated Live Alexander Banjolele Jukebox (see list; 25¢), a magic trick, a joke (limited repertoire, an acquired taste for wordplay and risqué humor strongly recommended, WARNING: CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE), idiosyncratic art nouveau tarot reading (I tell your present unconscious b/c no one knows the future), an oracular reading of some other kind, a recitation of many cheerful facts about some obscure subject, circumlocutory improvised sermons on subjects such as art & the art letting go & flow, a recitation of pithy/comedic (sometimes obscure) movie quotes, a medicinal story or song curated and tailored to suit your unique hurts, balls-to-the-wall hammy spicy Shakespearean recitations complete with affectations, a hula hoop dance (lookings for free; touching is strictly prohibited), bonfire (unless prohibited by local burn bans), free paint-pen vandalization of anything you own including your body (no genitals please), gold plastic easter egg with a mystery treat and fortune (supplies limited), various and sundry articles of clean clothing (mostly shirts), an older slightly worn-out Toyota Camry Hybrid with some issues that still runs well and will get you out of a sticky situation (1 only; act now and get a full range of helpful tools & supplies for a road-trip-heros-journey to discover who you are away from any demands or expectations or obligations or anyone who knows your name and is in a rush to tell you who you are and what you can do and be). Management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone; basically dont be a dick. No shirt, no shoes, no problem (want a shirt?)! Roll up, roll up, the Electric Lunatic E Pluribus Unum Traveling Show may be coming to a town near you! If you have your own vehicle and a mind to join this socially distanced circus, please inquire within (music/libations will greatly improve chances of a successful audition). Dont eat the brown acid or the yellow snow. First aid available upon request, including 10 minutes of compassionate listening to sorrows followed by a song (sessions limited, come early, 4am-ers have priority). The Junk Man hath spoken. Nyah! * By Law. Practices that are legally recognized, regardless of whether the practice exists in reality. It is possible to have multiple simultaneous conflicting (de jure) legalities, possibly none of which is in force (de facto).
Original text -- which has been edited for this reading at my transgender discretion for my own comfort and sanity (ha) -- here: https://marthalhyde.wordpress.com/2011/04/23/special-case-of-type-i-ptsd-rejected-children/ . Part 2 may be forthcoming… or not.
Shape of You by Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, Tameka “Tiny” Harris, Kandi, Kevin “She’kspere” Briggs, Ed Sheeran & Johnny McDaid . After that last podcast I needed a simple silly dimpled lovely loving love song to put a little love in my heart and a little more love in the world. Science has concluded that there is just too little of it. I can show you studies, but why study love when we can dance about architecture and load up cowboy bar jukeboxes with Kendrick Lamarr instead? Hey, babe, take a walk on the Weird Side with me. FUCK I NEED SLEEP.
(with music) TOPICS: the importance of protest even without solutions offered, parallels between neglectful/abusive parenting and neglectful/abusive governance, the importance of walking the walk one talks a big game about, the importance of listening not to win or debate but to respect and collaborate if you want people to actually talk to you, a wee bit o revolution, how emergencies without end have steamrolled the rights and needs and voices of the dependent and vulnerable in peoples charges, and how empathy has died of COVID-19. Also: the golden pinball machine of my dreams has been located, targeted, and Im getting set up for my attack run. Gonna bulls-eye that womp rat with ALL THE BALLS. Also if we want people to comply with demands why is non-compliant behavior and resistance rewarded but obedience unjustly punished and suspected? Rules are for people who make them and people who break them, apparently, in spite of supposedly being there for the good little humans stupid enough to obey them. But then consistency never really has been a human trait…
The Rose by The Divine Miss M (a.k.a. Bette Fuck Em if They Cant Take Joke Midler)
While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison
In the book Alice notes that the melody of the White Knights own devising is, in fact, I give thee all, I can no more (a.k.a. My Heart and Lute) -- by Irish poet Thomas Moore. Here is a GORGEOUS countertenor + classical guitar rendition of said tune by Tu Shi Chiao: https://youtu.be/BxTV0IEVYb4 ...I love countertenors OMGs…
A Whiter Shade of Pale by Keith Reid, Matthew Fisher, Danny Cordell, Procul Harum.
All this has happened before, and it will all happen again. And I feeeeeeeeel like Ive been here before… and you know it makes me wonder: whats going on?
