This week we’re going to be talking about couples therapy – and what misconceptions keep couples away from trying it. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is when a couple comes in WAY before there’s a crisis. But most don't. And these misconceptions are often the culprit; these six misconceptions keep couples out of therapy which also acts to help them avoid vulnerability. What are some of these misconceptions? You're no longer in control. It takes too long and it's too expensive. Individual therapy is better than couples. And I'll also add some direct suggestions for those who might be talking about divorce. Hope you'll listen in! The listener email is one I won’t read. But it made me want to share a couple of my thoughts about why I do this podcast, and what I hope you take from it. And what I hope you don’t. CLICK HERE https://drinkag1.com/selfwork FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/selfwork-dr.-margaret-rutherford/id1166015598?mt=2. SUBSCRIBE to my website https://drmargaretrutherford.com/ and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here https://facebook.com/groups/SelfWork and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! http://perfectlyhiddendepression.com/ Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!               Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

24m

Mar 29, 2024

From getting through divorce to illness to death, your life can be turned on a dime in a seeming second. And you need your friends and loved ones to understand that you’re grieving, and need comfort. But that's not always what you get. Sometimes, they say the wrong thing and at the wrong time. Maybe it’s laughable. Maybe it’s not. But often, either the most self-centered or ignorant or awkward responses will come your way. That’s what we’re going to talk about today on SelfWork. How NOT to say the wrong at the wrong time. I’ll use an article that one of my own clients told me about – an opinion piece from the LA Times written by Dr. Susan Silk and Barry Goldman a few years back. Their slogan? Comfort in, dump out. The listener email is from a SelfWork listener about her identification as a HSP – a highly sensitive person - and both the relief and confusion that brings her. Dr. Silk's article in the LA Times https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html A description of ring theory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)#:~:text=The%20concept%2C%20developed%20by%20clinical,circles%20to%20illustrate%20the%20concept in Wikipedia A wonderful article about HSP or highly sensitive people. The article where I was quoted https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/why-some-grandparents-disagree-with-their-kids-parenting-styles--and-what-they-should-do-about-it-192100103.html about grandparenting ! https://www.zazzle.com/mbr/238095659070145810 HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? IT'S 2024, AND BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER https://trybetterhelp.com/selfwork FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/selfwork-dr.-margaret-rutherford/id1166015598?mt=2. SUBSCRIBE to my website https://drmargaretrutherford.com/ and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here https://facebook.com/groups/SelfWork and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! http://perfectlyhiddendepression.com/ Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    

24m

Mar 22, 2024

Today’s SelfWork was inspired by feedback from members of my FB group when I asked for potential topics - and they suggested . So.. what were the questions? 1) How to be real with your therapist about what’s working... 2) Why do I want to feel that my therapist likes me? 3) How do I handle the fear that I’m “too much” for my therapist? 4) How to leave therapy... Everyone in every profession has an innate or learned comfort level and interest in certain kinds of work. Therapists are no different. And clients also have “kinds” of therapists they prefer and want to work with https://drmargaretrutherford.com/278-selfwork-15-good-questions-to-ask-your-potential-therapist/. Today I'll answer these questions about therapy and more! The Speakpipe voicemail for this week left me with several thoughts about the impact of chronic trauma and the lives of people who are living it, and at times, may be creating it. I want to thank Choosing Therapy for including SelfWork in their top 15 podcasts on depression for 2024! https://www.choosingtherapy.com/depression-podcasts/ And to thank all of you for tuning in, sharing, and helping to make SelfWork… work! You are the reason that we keep growing so my gratitude of course extends to you as well! Wonderful article on therapy in MindCenter https://mindfulcenter.org/do-therapists-have-favorite-clients-ask-a-therapist/ ! https://www.zazzle.com/mbr/238095659070145810 HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? IT'S 2024, AND BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER https://trybetterhelp.com/selfwork FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/selfwork-dr.-margaret-rutherford/id1166015598?mt=2. SUBSCRIBE to my website https://drmargaretrutherford.com/ and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here https://facebook.com/groups/SelfWork and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! http://perfectlyhiddendepression.com/ Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

26m

Mar 15, 2024

Today, SelfWork is featuring Stanford psychiatrist Dr. David Spiegel https://med.stanford.edu/profiles/david-spiegel, one of the world’s most respected and published experts in the field of hypnosis. And if you think hypnosis is some magic trick, you don't know what true hypnosis is. What’s often relegated as a sideshow is actually the oldest form of Western psychotherapy and a powerful evidence-based treatment for numerous disorders. Dr. Spiegel is aiming to break the stigma around hypnosis and introduce its clinically backed power to the masses. He’s treated 7K+ patients suffering from chronic pain, insomnia, mental illness, eating disorders, addiction, and more with hypnosis, and cofounded self-hypnosis app, Reveri https://www.reveri.com/. The app offers personalized, guided sessions that mirror the experience of in-person sessions with Dr. Spiegel––and it works. Over 90% of users feel the immediate, impactful relief. And you, the listeners of SelfWork, can get TWO FREE WEEKS to try out this new app! Just use this link: https://reverihealth.app.link/selfwork.  https://reverihealth.app.link/selfworkI'm using it and I can see and feel changes already. And by the way, there's no financial gain for me if you try it out. I've featured this app and Dr. Spiegel because I believe it can help some of you - and it's what you can do about it. https://www.zazzle.com/mbr/238095659070145810 Link for your two week free trial of REVERI!  https://reverihealth.app.link/selfwork. CLICK HERE https://drinkag1.com/selfwork FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/selfwork-dr.-margaret-rutherford/id1166015598?mt=2. SUBSCRIBE to my website https://drmargaretrutherford.com/ and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here https://facebook.com/groups/SelfWork and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! http://perfectlyhiddendepression.com/ Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

38m

Mar 08, 2024

Last week SelfWork focused on what fear has to teach you – what it may lead you to think, feel, or experience. And this week, I want to talk about panic, panic disorder, and how you can listen to, learn from, and work with panic. If you’ve listened to SelfWork for a while now, you probably know that I experienced my first panic attack when I was in my late 20’s. Having them changed my life – I thought at the time, for the worse. But I’ve learned that, like many things, there are gifts that come into our lives that are initially experienced as unwelcome, unexpected, or hurtful. We're also going to talk about treatment for panic. As my friend and anxiety expert Kimberley Quinlan says, to approach anxiety and challenge its hold on you, her mantra of “It’s a beautiful day to do a hard thing” applies. The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from a young woman who describes her father as having narcissistic traits and at the least, has been emotionally and verbally abusive. He seems to have demanded that both of his daughters care for him rather than developing lives of their own – her mom died several years ago, and now, she’s asking me what to do. The tape is a little fuzzy at times but I’ll do my best to answer her question. My answer may not be as simple as you think... https://www.zazzle.com/mbr/238095659070145810 Kimberley Quinlan's guest post episode on working with your anxiety https://drmargaretrutherford.com/315-selfwork-kimberley-quinlan-is-guest-host-seven-steps-to-intervene-in-your-response-to-anxiety/ Great article in Psych Central on stopping contact with narcissistic relative  https://psychcentral.com/disorders/how-to-stop-contact-narcissistic-relatives#how-to-heal CLICK HERE https://drinkag1.com/selfwork FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/selfwork-dr.-margaret-rutherford/id1166015598?mt=2. SUBSCRIBE to my website https://drmargaretrutherford.com/ and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here https://facebook.com/groups/SelfWork and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! http://perfectlyhiddendepression.com/ Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

23m

Mar 01, 2024

I remember my dad telling me that the main thing he feared in life was to have a heart attack when he was still young. His dad had had that happen and it killed him when my father was only a teenager. My dad, when I was 16, had a heart attack. It didn’t kill him but I so remember the look in his eyes, one of acceptance but also one of demoralization. He lived until his early 80’s but his life changed – and thus our family’s life changed due to that event. Today we’re going to be talking about coping with fear, its difference from anxiety, and the unexpected gifts it has to offer.  I’ll offer several stories of people I’ve seen and what helped them begin to cope with their fear, whether it’s fear of failure, fear of being away from family, fear like in a phobia, fears of public speaking (one of the most common), fear of death. The range of fear we can feel is immense – but in this episode, we’ll focus on some of the positive aspects of fear. The listener voicemail is from a listener who watched my YouTube video with Lewis Howes as well as seeing my and being a part of some FB Lives that I was doing at the time. What he noticed was that I seemed “different” during the interview than I did in the FB Live session… and he’d learned something positive from that. So we’ll feature his comments a bit later! Excellent article by Carey Rossi on the gifts of fear Article on 'healthy fear' in the Washington Post My interview with Lewis Howes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sK9Wnq6B-v0 Get your SelfWork merch here on Zazzle! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? IT'S 2024, AND BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      

24m

Feb 23, 2024

  I was honored to offer a TEDx talk this past year in Boca Raton, Florida. It's entitled "How to recognize perfectly hidden depression," and in it, I describe clients I've seen who'd never have seemed depressed to anyone around them. Two in particular are featured: one tried to take her life; the other came in well before that happened, but admitted he'd also had thoughts about doing the same. Having thoughts about wishing for the end of your life is much more common than many people realize—and we, as a culture, need to talk about those thoughts with one another much more transparently. Without judgment. It's also imperative that those with an intent to die by suicide should get the help they desperately need. Yet the distinction between having thoughts about it and having a suicidal plan to carry it out is vital to understand. The first is a conversation; the second requires immediate action by whatever mental health provider or family member is told. But if you don't feel safe to reveal such thoughts, how are those conversations ever going to happen? And that's what this episode is all about - how to talk about your depression. The listener email is from a woman in Poland who's choosing to estrange herself from her abusive father; trust is earned not given, and there are certainly times when deciding that having no relationship - or estrangement - is the best way to protect yourself. NEW PRODUCTS! Support SelfWork and Click here! * img Dr. Margaret and The SelfWork Podcast You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

23m

Feb 16, 2024

I’ve stayed away from the topic of forgiveness here on SelfWork. Why? Because the word itself means very different things to different people – especially due to your culture or religious belief. But this week, I received an email from a listener that was so poignant AND was about forgiveness, that I’ve decided to talk about it, I've learned that there are emotions that are are important to acknowledge and work through in order to “get” to forgiveness. What are those emotions? Anger. And empathy. Let me say first… forgiveness isn’t an emotion. It’s a decision. A decision based on your beliefs, yes. But also based on information and emotional processing. And forgiveness doesn’t mean returning to or trying to be okay with abuse or manipulation. So today once again, thank you to this listener for allowing us into her life in such a meaningful way. And I invite all of you to do the same – email me at  askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com. Check out the work of Karla McLaren on anger and forgiveness. Dr. John Sommers-Flannagan's work on forgiveness HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? IT'S 2024, AND BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      

23m

Feb 09, 2024

“My feelings were hurt” is a phrase very commonly used. We even use it when we talk to our children.  “Did someone hurt your feelings?” It’s kind of interesting when you think about it. Instead of asking, “What happened and how are you feeling about it?” and helping your child sort out their exact feelings, we lump them all together. Many of us carry that lumpy mess of “hurt feelings” into our adulthood. Instead of saying, for example, “I want you to ask me what I think, or what I’d like, instead of assuming you know," you might say,  “You hurt my feelings all the time and you don’t even realize it.” So today we'll focus on how to clean up those " hurt feelings" and express them in much clearer, healthier ways - that hopefully can lead to much better results. CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

22m

Feb 02, 2024

I’ve pulled what is the most downloaded episode of SelfWork’s history today because I've had to step off the stage again in my work to allow my body and mind to heal. Two weeks ago, I was in a huge hurry, bounding down my staircase, talking to my husband over my shoulder, in my clumsy Uggs boots – and I managed to pull off a head over heels tumble down the steps, eight or nine of them – and landed on a slate floor. Broken collarbone, mild concussion, and so many bumps and bruises... we won’t even go there. I’m doing okay. Having some nightmares – which I suspected I would. My body is healing. My husband has been incredible. But I obviously got way behind – and so today I turn to Tina Turner who died this past year for a little inspiration for all of you. This episode is about a night in my own life, when I realized that I needed to take a different role in my family. It’s what happens in healthy families. The change felt odd. But I realize now that it was the beginning of what should have been and needed to be. I think I love this concept so much because it uses a stage analogy. Roles change in families. And accepting those changes is part of being healthy in your own role, both on your own stage and the stage of your family.   HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? IT'S 2024, AND BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        

19m

Jan 26, 2024

So many of us are living "what if" lives, meaning that we're not looking at the present and for opportunities that might be right in front of us. Instead we're worrying about the "what ifs" or "what if nots" of the world. And that can keep you in a constant state a perpetual indecisiveness. Of course, foggy thinking is a part of depression and worry is typically a huge part of anxiety. So we'll weave all that together on this episode of SelfWork. Our SpeakPipe voicemail  for today is also about anxiety; she's talking about anticipatory anxiety as she stutters and experiences fear of ridicule because of that.  Understandably.  So, I'm going to include her excellent question in our discussion of anxiety. Excuse Me As I Kiss The Sky - a book of poetry by Rudy Francisco Link to A Guest House by the poet Rumi We have a BRAND NEW SPONSOR OF SELFWORK – MOONBIRD. What is it? It’s the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here http://moonbird.life/product and use the code SELFWORK! CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

25m

Jan 19, 2024

Norman Lear is someone whose work, talent, and creativity I’ve admired for a long time. I've used an interview that he gave before he died as my inspiration for this episode, when he said about his own mortality, "It's not the going... it's the leaving that's hard." So today on SW, we’re going to focus on endings and grieving and three facets of grief that may be surprising: __ __ Our Speakpipe voicemail today is from a daughter who’s looking for answers for her mom – after her mother has moved in with her own mother (the listener’s grandmother). “She feels a heavy energy…”. And asks how I can help… What are counterfactuals and how do they keep you stuck in grief? “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ― ELIZABETH KUBLER-ROSS AND DAVID KESSLER   HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? IT'S 2024, AND BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!     .        

23m

Jan 12, 2024

When I heard the name of the book my SelfWork guest - Rachel Marie Martin - has written, I knew I wanted her on the show. What's the title?   (Dexterity, September 26, 2023). In it you'll find greatly affirming letters written for moms at various stages of motherhood, from the melancholic to the "tear your hair out" to the poignant. Mom enough. It reminded me of an early psychological researcher, Winnicott,  who was the first guy to stop blaming moms for all their children's psychological problems. He called it, "the good enough mother." And I know that's what I tried to be. Good enough. A Rachel is also the founder of the popular social media community FindingJoy.net, as well as an author and host of the very popular FB page also called Finding Joy where millions of readers learn from her.  https://www.facebook.com/findingjoyblog I loved having her on SelfWork - and I know you'll enjoy her thoughts about everything about motherhood. And realizing just how hard it is. ADVERTISER'S LINK: CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! VITAL LINKS: You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

40m

Jan 05, 2024

You’re getting back (or will be soon) to the office or to work or school.. and you start hearing about what everyone else did over the holidays. Maybe you’ve already seen stuff on social media that seems to tell their story. Maybe you’ve scrolled Instagram reels or watched hilarious TikToks. Your own life may shrink in comparison - especially if you're living in fear. That's the topic for today. How to confront your fear of missing out (FOMO) or how to stop chasing the "next best thing" and instead, to live in joy (JOMO) or at least contentment. Here's Lauren Cook's and Dr. Cathy Sullivan Windt's definition of JOMO: "JOMO is the satisfaction one feels in the current moment, with accompanying acceptance of what one doesn’t have in that moment.” (their article is linked below...). Lauren Cook and Dr. Cathy Sullivan-Windt's wonderful article on JOMO: https://www.psycom.net/fomo-to-jomo An earlier SelfWork episode on FOMO CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? IT'S 2024, AND BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    

24m

Dec 29, 2023

  Today we’re going to focus on how the inner child model of therapy has been used and what exactly does it mean. Simply put (which to me is always the best way), how much does a client realize and connect with the idea that their past is influencing their present. I’ll offer a story about how that connection is made in therapy if it has not been so far. It’s definitely something that many struggle with – as they battle the belief that what happened years ago might be impacting who they think of themselves now. The listener voicemail for today is one I somehow missed last year – and I apologize for that! Because it’s an excellent comment: How do therapists experience their own struggles with what the listener called “moral injury,” compassion fatigue and burnout?  I’ll look forward to talking about my own struggles and way of trying to achieve, or I should say maintain, my own stability as a therapist. We have a BRAND NEW SPONSOR OF SELFWORK - MOONBIRD. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! : VeryWell Mind article on inner child work Forbes article on Internal Family Systems therapy SelfWork Episode on Dissociative Identity Disorder with Lynn Barrett Differences in moral injury and burnout You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

26m

Dec 22, 2023

I've never laughed harder than in this interview with the self-proclaimed "failfluencer" Erin Diehl! Erin is a Top 1% podcast host, Founder & CEO of improve it!, and one of the most electric keynote speakers in the world, using her work as an improvisational actor to teach you and me how our bodies are trying to give us messages about the healing that needs to happen. She's been on global stages with companies like Amazon, LinkedIn, and The Obama Foundation. As a graduate from Clemson University, a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional, and a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago--including The Second City, Erin can speak to anything from how every day of your life is an "improv scene" to the moment she discovered her chronic back pain was a result of unresolved emotional trauma. ADVERTISER'S LINK: CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! VITAL LINKS: You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

38m

Dec 15, 2023

I received an email from one of you that saddened me. It opened with, .” Hopelessness. Feeling despair. And its counterpart – helplessness, which is believing that nothing can be done to prevent what’s happening - are two of the worst feelings of depression, and two of the ones non-depressed people often can’t seem to understand. Maybe even my own mantra that I repeat in almost every episode, “Look for what you can do about," for those who are fighting these two demons – sounds like I’m skimming the surface of deeper depressions and not talking about the heavy burden and darkness that you might feel. Since I’ll be using much of this one listener’s email, we won’t feature another for today. I promise you this listener’s life holds much to be understood, and to have compassion for. She did say toward the end, “ I can only hope that featuring her email might help as well. ADVERTISERS' LINKS:  We have a BRAND NEW SPONSOR OF SELFWORK - MOONBIRD. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand. To try it yourself, click here and use the code SELFWORK! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! VITAL LINKS: Dr. Margaret's podcast episode on "stinkin' thinkin' You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!       ​   ​

26m

Dec 08, 2023

One of the reasons why many people suffer during the so-called “holiday” season is because it’s the first - or one more of many holidays - that they’re actively grieving a loved one’s death within the last year or even farther away – and they cannot seem to work through their grief enough to want to step back into life. Into living this moment that’s right before them. I tuned into a Hidden Brain episode  this week that discussed a recently researched concept of grief in a very personal way, as resilience researcher Lucy Hone told the story of her own nightmare - the death of one of her children. So, I wanted to pass her ideas on to you – as you might be one of those people who are struggling with grief – and not knowing how to get out from under its shadow. Our listener email is a from a listener who says he’s been diagnosed with what’s called “schizoaffective disorder” – and wonders if I know much about – or can help him with – intrusive thoughts that he can’t seem to rid himself of. ADVERTISER'S LINK: CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! VITAL LINKS: Stroebe and Schut research in 1999 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10848151/ Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss, by Lucy Hone, 2017 My own recent podcast on grief Schizoaffective disorder symptoms You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    

24m

Dec 01, 2023

Here at SelfWork, we focus on what you can do about it - right? I preach and I encourage all of you to figure out the one thing that’s in your control and make a change that will help you with your sense of wellness. Like all of you, I laugh at memes and try to take myself with a grain of salt. Usually, I think I’m pretty good at this… but not the last few weeks. I’ve been in the dumps. So today we're going to spend some time talking about being in the dumps and the slumps - as well as getting over the humps (the murky middle of a journey where you can lose sight of hope. And as always, "what you can do about it." Our Speakpipe voicemail of the week is from a woman who checks in with my website and left a message there – which all of you can do at drmargaretrutherford.com! Love her question about whether to “let someone with apparent BPD” know that you’ve learned what they did in a fit of rage. It feels like you’re keeping a secret.. and a powerful one… But what makes it so powerful? That’s where my answer will lie – how does this voicemailer want to use that power? We have a BRAND NEW SPONSOR OF SELFWORK - MOONBIRD. What is it? It's the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand, which provides real-time biofeedback. Created for those grappling with stress, anxiety, autism, or insomnia, it's a compact device that aids users through soothing breathwork exercises. For their special Black Friday offer of 20% off (November 20-27th, 2023) or 10% off after Black Friday, click here and use the code SELFWORK! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

24m

Nov 24, 2023

  I’m so excited about this new SelfWork sponsor and I’m doing something a bit unusual and letting you know about it today! Because they have a Black Friday double discount offer that’s sensational – and I wanted to quickly pass it on to you! The product is moonbird.. Used by over 25,000 people in Europe, moonbird is the world’s first, tactile breathing coach designed to fit in the palm of your hand, which provides real-time biofeedback (which I was trained in years ago and very much believe in!) Created for those grappling with stress, anxiety, autism, or insomnia, it's a compact device that aids users through soothing breathwork exercises.. It's the brainchild of Stephanie Broes (a PhD researcher) and her brother, Michael, and was created out of her experience suffering from insomnia and exhausting all other options What does it do? Moonbird uniquely measures your heart rate and heart rate variability to guide you to change your own breathing patterns when you download their free app – but basically you hold device in your hand – and you can feel it moving in and out. And you follow it. Simple as that. Just click here https://www.moonbird.life/product and enter the code SELFWORK for $20 off this week! It's for Black Friday week only! If you balk at the price, think of all the sleep aids you’ve bought over the years – I have a drawer full of them! All I can say is – enjoy! And learn to breathe! It’s what you can do about your stress, your insomnia – and your life! Photo Attribution: Tim Goedhart/Unsplash

1m

Nov 19, 2023

As TikTok has taken over the world of social media throughout the last few years, many psychological trends have become increasingly popular, and could be more harmful than helpful. Glowing up, bed rotting, and lucky girl syndrome are only three of the harmful effects the so-called "psychological help" on TikTok and other outlets can bring - and we have a fantastic expert here today on SelfWork to discuss them. Dr. Sanam Hafeez is an NYC based licensed clinical psychologist, and the founder and Clinical Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services, P.C. a neuropsychological, developmental and educational center in Manhattan and Queens. Dr. Hafeez masterfully applies her years of experience connecting psychological implications to address some of today’s common issues such as body image, social media addiction, relationships, workplace stress, parenting and psychopathology, and often shares her credible expertise to various news outlets in New York City and frequently appears on CNN and Dr.Oz. ADVERTISERS' LINKS:  CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

34m

Nov 17, 2023

Out of curiosity,  l listened to an older voicemail this week. It was from "this time last year." How many times have you said that to yourself, "This time last year I... " Maybe the end of that sentence is joyful. Maybe it's sad. But it's an exercise in self-reflection - which is the topic for today's SelfWork.  This particular question is a  sort of time travel in your own head and heart. Self-reflection isn't about over self-involvement: it’s what we humans can do to get perspective and learn ways you might be getting in your own way of creating the life you want. Show you how to move out of depression or anxiety. And when you pair self-reflection with action - it can lead to healing change.  So here are the self-reflective questions that lead to action that we’re looking at today. __ __ HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    

19m

Nov 10, 2023

Today we’re focusing on your choice to be transparent and how it can be important in your mental health. Self-transparency. Think of it like this – if you put a lot of energy into covering up – into not allowing anyone to see your own struggles. There can be repercussions from that. You’re living in fear of being known – of being seen. What are you so afraid of people seeing? And what would have to happen for you to risk transparency? The SpeakPipe voicemail is from a listener who wants to know how she can determine her own diagnosis, if it’s CPTSD or BPD. She’s worried about her own kids – so I’ll do my best to answer her. But let’s just say – anyone who’s concerned about their impact on their children already may have my vote as NOT having BPD – but we’ll talk more about that dynamic. CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    

24m

Nov 03, 2023

  Talking about narcissism has become somewhat of a national pastime in the US at least. Everyone is calling someone who used them or who they felt manipulated by a narcissist. And perhaps they are – or were. But what exactly is narcissism and how is it different than healthy self-esteem? Is it on a spectrum or can it ever be helpful?  Is it necessary to have a bit of it to have self-confidence?  And how does humility play into this? Or is "humility" weakness? I’ve seen some dramatic examples in the last few years of things going wrong for my clients– when the focus on self and the need to be and look successful has led to a huge escalation of depression (sometimes silent as in perfectly hidden depression) due to way over-the-top feelings of failure – rather than allowing that to be an example of making a mistake and learning from it. Or of life handing you some hard, even cruel, or tragic experiences.  In our self-focused world, this kind of acceptance can be punitively described as accepting failure -  instead of what humility truly is – recognizing your true place in the universe, not buying in too much to your successes, your desires, or your failings. To me, humility is the moderating factor to prevent narcissism from becoming destructive, and instead promotes self-esteem and self-love rather than self-worship or self-centeredness. The listener email today is about finding out about a spouse’s affair with a work colleague and how to discuss whether the spouse should leave that workplace or not. It’s a sticky discussion and one I’ve witnessed many times in my office as a couple tries to balance regaining trust with other factors, like financial stability.  People have tried some very unhealthy solutions which’ve only created more distrust, not less. Regaining and rebuilding trust can be a full-time job, but months of hypervigilance isn’t going to be helpful. Psych Central article written by Hilary Lebow on healthy versus unhealthy narcissism Article by Dr. Dimitrios Tsatiris on the power of humility https://drmargaretrutherford.com/005-selfwork-after-an-affair-the-essential-steps-of-regaining-trust/ We welcome back BIOPTIMIZERS AND MAGNESIUM BREAKTHROUGH as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! JUST CLICK HERE! MAKE SURE YOU USE THE CODE “SELFWORK10” to check out free product! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      

24m

Oct 27, 2023

I could think of no better way to continue this 8th season of SelfWork than to feature your questions and comments! Whether you communicate through email or voicemail or through my website contact form, YOU are the lifeblood of SelfWork. Yes, it’s true I often use what my own clients either have gone through or are going through as my “inspiration” for these episodes. Yet hearing from you means so much. It’s like turning up the lights in an auditorium so the person speaking can see the audience – it helps me see you. And your three topics for today are compatibility vs commitment, facing constant anger from your partner, and feeling abandoned by friends. So thank you! All of these listeners are dealing with situations that have been ongoing for months if not years – so even though they don’t necessarily say “I’m depressed,” yet these kinds of relationship problems that drag on and on can certainly be a set-up  for symptoms of depression, like hopelessness or helplessness.  All three are about boundaries – the difficulty of setting them, of maintaining them, and  when you get hurt by or don't understand them. HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! We welcome back BIOPTIMIZERS AND MAGNESIUM BREAKTHROUGH as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! JUST CLICK HERE! MAKE SURE YOU USE THE CODE “SELFWORK10” to check out free product! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

28m

Oct 20, 2023

Come celebrate with us! SelfWork is having its seventh anniversary so we're celebrating by bringing on the whole team! Please join me, Christine Mathias and John Crowley for a completely spontaneous conversation (which you'll be able to tell...) about our topic for today - the seven year itch! (Sounds appropriate don't you think?) I'm offering seven ideas (keeping in the swing of things): three on how to avoid the itch altogether; one to use if you feel the itch to leave or to not act out what you know is best; and three more to help you keep on keeping on, growing in trust and intimacy with one another. I'll announce the winner of Marriage Is Not for Chickens as well! HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING OFF GETTING HELP? BETTERHELP, THE #1 ONLINE THERAPY PROVIDER, HAS A SPECIAL OFFER FOR YOU NOW! Wikipedia's take on the seven year itch Dr. DiDonato writes in Psychology Today about seven year itch Your career and the seven year itch You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

30m

Oct 13, 2023

October is ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) Awareness Month. SelfWork has never focused on this very difficult disorder, often affecting children who are what's now called "neurodivergent" but in the past, have been unjustly stigmatized as "lazy, stupid, or crazy" which was finally described in 2006 for the actual processing difference it is in the now classic book, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?. But ADHD contains hyperactivity as a symptom of the disorder; what used to be called ADD, or simple attention deficit disorder, is now labeled as inattentive ADHD. And these kids (and adults) often slip through the cracks of adult recognition, because they're seen more as daydreamers, or unmotivated, not causing the classroom behavioral problems that hyperactive kids can seem to create. But they still can truly struggle and... go unseen. Cynthia Hammer has a new book, Living with Inattentive ADHD:  Climbing the Circular Staircase of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, where she offers her own hard-earned wisdom of living with IADHD. I found the book at times chilling because of the dangers she could put herself in, poignant as she lives through tremendous sorrow of the accidental death of her first child, and hopeful, as - at almost age 80 - she shares what she's learned about surviving and thriving. We welcome back BIOPTIMIZERS AND MAGNESIUM BREAKTHROUGH as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! JUST CLICK HERE! MAKE SURE YOU USE THE CODE “SELFWORK10” to check out free product! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

34m

Oct 06, 2023

John Crowley, my audio engineer/editor extraordinaire, chose this episode this week as I'm getting back from vacation. My gratitude to him for many, many things! But he gives you some info on what this episode's message was for him and what I hoped it would be. Today we’re focusing on the mind/body interaction – how your brain processes physical and emotional pain – as well as a brief touch on what are called somatic disorders. But what I want to focus on how your body might be expressing the pain or trauma you’ve experienced in your life. It's an intriguing topic and one I hope you'll enjoy. The listener voicemail is from a daughter who believes her mom may have something to do with her being ill and not knowing how to leave or get other help. This could be something called “munchausen’s syndrome by proxy” which is a very complicated dynamic – but it might also be that this daughter’s mom has been part of her trauma. I’ll offer suggestions for both.. We welcome back BIOPTIMIZERS AND MAGNESIUM BREAKTHROUGH as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! JUST CLICK HERE! MAKE SURE YOU USE THE CODE “SELFWORK10” to check out free product! CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION!   A recent Forbes article… discussing how your brain processes physical and social pain. Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part One (SelfWork Podcast) Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part Two (SelfWork) An article on somatic disorders found on VeryWellMind. How To Become An Emotional Grownup I don’t have time sadly to discuss all of it... A recent Psychology Today article about different techniques that you can try to "get at" your body's holding on to trauma. And encouraging it to let go. Article on FDIA. Facticious Disorder imposed on another You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

26m

Sep 29, 2023

I have such a fantastic production team in Christine Mathias, my communications manager, and John Crowley, my audio engineer. And so I want to thank them for pulling the next two episodes off for me while I'm on vacation with my family! This was Christine's choice as one of her favorites, and she introduces this week's episode in this "second time around" listen. The focus is on how to interview a potential therapist, a task which stop SO many people from even trying therapy. I agree with her about how important this info is. So I hope - actually hope - it's great info for you. The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’d read one of my blogpostarticles on challenging or working through the shame that you've carried around, quite without rational or reason, because you felt invisible to others, and thought whatever happened to cause your shame was somehow your 'fault.' CLICK HERE https://drinkag1.com/selfwork FOR THE NEW FABULOUS OFFER FROM AG1 – WITH BONUS PRODUCT WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! The podcast episode also talking about the problem of feeling invisible.  An Unquiet Mind written by Kay Redfield Jamison, My first podcast episode on What Is Good Therapy? An Open Counseling article explaining licensure and training differences between therapists My podcast on whether to terminate therapy The different family roles that you can adopt and play You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SELFWORK WITH DR. MARGARET RUTHERFORD. SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled  is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

24m

Sep 22, 2023

TRIGGER WARNING: We're talking about sibling sexual abuse in this episode. The links for sexual abuse hotlines are below. I’ve had so many guest interviews on SelfWork – really wonderful researchers and authors, therapists and thinkers. But there’s something very special about someone coming forth to share their message when they’ve learned something the hard way – and they want to help others either through what they went through or to avoid it in the first place. Jane Epstein is this kind of person. She tells her story in this episode about how her life was dramatically impacted by her brother sexually abusing her. It took her years to put the pieces of the puzzle together, making connections between past and present that were difficult and painful to make – but also were freeing. Many of you who are listening may have experienced something similar – and have tried, as Jane did for many years – to sweep it under the rug. A stepsister or stepbrother, an older sibling – and you’ve blamed yourself. Or felt a shameful heaviness. Please know, you are far, far from alone. We welcome back BIOPTIMIZERS AND MAGNESIUM BREAKTHROUGH as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! JUST CLICK HERE! MAKE SURE YOU USE THE CODE “SELFWORK10” to check out free product! JANE EPSTEINS TEDXBOCARATON TALK: Great sexual abuse WEBSITE FOR SIBLING ABUSE: The 501-3-C non-profit 5WAVES.ORG - Jane's (and others) website for support International SEXUAL ABUSE HOTLINE THRU RAINN I want to thank Jane and all other survivors of abuse who’ve come forward. It takes tremendous courage. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, The Selfwork Podcast.  SUBSCRIBE to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! SPEAKER 1: DR. MARGARET This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork. Welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and we have a wonderful guest for you today. I wanna make sure you hear however, that this episode does discuss sexual abuse, sibling sexual abuse. So please heed a trigger warning and we'll have sexual abuse hotline suggestions in the show notes. You know, I've had so many guest interviews here on Selfwork, really wonderful researchers and authors, therapists and thinkers. But there's something very special about someone coming forth to share their message when they've learned something the hard way, and they want to help others, either through what they went through or to avoid the experience in the first place. Jane Epstein is this kind of person. She tells her story in this episode about how her life was dramatically impacted by her brother sexually abusing her for a six year period of time. It took her years to put the pieces of the puzzle together, making connections between past and present that were difficult and painful to make, but also were very freeing. And I want to quickly say, many of you who are listening may have experienced something similar and have tried, as Jane did for many years, to sweep the memories under the rug. Maybe it was a stepsister or stepbrother, an older sibling, and you've blamed yourself or felt a shameful heaviness. So that's what we're talking about today on SelfWork. But before we continue, let's hear a brief message from Magnesium Breakthrough. You wanna give their product a try if you have too many sleepless nights, maybe from your own troubling memories. MAGNESIUM BREAKTHROUGH AD: I hope you truly enjoyed some time with family and friends this summer and got to take a break from the daily grind and enjoy your life. Perhaps you've indulged a bit on ice cream to beat the heat, or a margarita or two. Gosh, lots of indulgence may become the norm, but now kids are back in school and it's time to get back on track. If you struggle to return to your health routine, there are three major things to prioritize healthy eating, exercise, and above all, quality sleep. 'cause sleep is the key to your body's rejuvenation and repair process. It actually controls hunger and weight loss hormones, boosts energy levels, and it impacts countless other functions. That's why I take Magnesium daily, but not any supplement. I got Magnesium Breakthrough because it's just better. It's made by BIOptimizers and I, I highly recommend it. It has seven forms of magnesium designed help you fall asleep, stay asleep, and wake up refreshed. And guess what? If you get more sleep, you're gonna find out that your healthy eating and exercise may be a little easier to do. So visit MAGBREAKTHROUGH.COM/SELFWORK. Don't forget to enter Code SELFWORK10 for 10% off any order. Once again, it's MAGBREAKTHROUGH.COM/SELFWORK. SPEAKER 1: DR. MARGARET I should tell you before we begin, how I met Jane Epstein. She actually did a TEDx talk for Boca Ratone and I watched it and we had the same coach. That's sort of a neat bond for us to share, but we talk about our TEDx experience a little bit here too. So please listen to this episode. Please click the link to Jane's TEDx talk, which will be in the show notes, or go to my website, drmargaretrutherford.com, and you can find it there. Another website that Jane has told me about, which is really wonderful is www.siblingsexualtrauma.com. But just know you are far, far from alone. SPEAKER 1: DR. MARGARET I couldn't be happier to have you on SelfWork Jane, because I have listened to your TEDx many, many times. And we shared a coach, which was kind of fun. And so I, I looked at yours as to say, well, what would it be like to to work with Brian Miller? But I personally today wanna hear more about your story. About one of my questions as I looked at it is, how did you talk to your family about it? Or, or did you say, "No, it's my story to tell."  Just what and what made you, what brought you to TEDx in the first place? SPEAKER 2: JANE EPSTEIN First of all, thank you for having me on your show. Of course, I, I have listened to a couple of your podcasts and I, I've listened to you and I've listened to your TEDx and you are very trauma informed, and you are very kind and compassionate and lots of wisdom. So I appreciate being on your puck. Thank you. First thing, what brought me to TEDx and how did I tell my family? Me, I don't remember the exact timeline, but I started Googling sibling sexual abuse and trauma, and I couldn't find anything on it. And I, I had this feeling that I wasn't the only one. I thought, I can't be the only person. 'cause I found two outdated articles that stated that it's a silent epidemic, right? I was, okay, well, if it's an epidemic, I'm clearly not the only six year old little girl. My my sibling who was 12 at the time, is not the only 12 year old child who, who an abused a sibling. So I just was called to start talking about it, and I reached out to my sibling. It was very awkward. And I expressed to him, I said, "I feel called to start talking about this and sharing my story because no one's talking about it. And it's a silent epidemic." And he said he understood and that he would support me in whatever way he can. Speaker 1: I get chill bumps when I hear that. Speaker 2: Yes. He, I'm, I have a very unique situation. I've been able to forgive him. I can call him and ask him questions. I'll say, I had this memory, is this true? And he's very careful to not give me more information. Mm-hmm. , because he knows I have enough to work with. I don't need any more triggers. I don't need any more memories. Mm-hmm. . And I also think that because of what happened between us, that he's hypervigilant and that he's got his eyes on other families, and that he sees that there could potentially be problems and sexual abuse occurring. And because sibling sexual abuse is so prevalent and not talked about, I think we are seeing things and not always able to put our finger on it. In Speaker 1: Your talk, you quote in your talk, you quote statistics like it's three to five times - It happens three to five times more than father daughter abuse, which is incredible. It starts earlier. It lasts for years often. So you're right. And it, it is something I, I remember I wrote a post on sex, uh, sibling sexual abuse. I got all kinds of comments. So yes, you're exactly right. Speaker 2: Yes. I listened to your podcast on the sibling sexual abuse, and it was very well done. Thank you. You're, you're very informed, . Thank you. So I started talking to my brother and I said, I need, we need to talk about this. We need to, we need to do this. Um, or I need to do this. And I had these great grand visions because there's so much work that needs to be done. Well, it's a marathon on its front . So I started pitching the media, it, my emails were either not opened or not responded to. One response was, "Well, we haven't ever talked about that, but if we do, we'll reach out". And I'm thinking, you're not gonna talk about it. So I come across a video with Brian Kenneth Miller, our joint TEDx coach. And he had gone through, what is a TEDx? What is a TEDx? Speaker 2: What is not a TEDx? Because I thought, "Well, I'll go on TEDx and I'll share my story and I'll raise the alarm bell." Well, TEDx is not sharing your story, but I thought, well, I'll book a call with him anyways. So I booked a call with him and he said, "A tough topic, but I think we could come up with something." So we started talking about it, and it is, it's a tough topic, it's a dark topic. And Brian was never told me this, but he was concerned, how am I gonna get on the TEDx stage? Mm-hmm. . So we started going down the path of how to support someone who's been through a traumatic event. And I was gonna slide sibling sexual abuse and trauma through the back door. Okay. Which would not have been a great talk because there's lots of how to support people who've gone through trauma. It would not have been Speaker 1: Not unique, Speaker 2: Impactful, not unique, not impactful. It might have gotten on stage, but not likely. So then I heard from TEDx Boca Raton, and I sat down with Eric and Eric said, look, you know, we like your idea, but we really wanna know more about the sibling sexual abuse and trauma. Can you talk just about that? And I said, yes, I can. And I pointed to all my research books and I started spouting off all these statistics. And he said, "Great, that's what we want you to talk about". And I said, excellent. And that's how it all started. And I didn't mean to be on the TEDx, it's just that's kind of where I landed. And I, you know, once I was approved and started practicing my TEDx talk, I started having all the anxieties of speaking in front of a large crowd, but practiced and practiced and practiced. And the day I got on that stage, I just, they basically, there's something magical about that red dot. Maybe it's true. I got on that red dot and all was okay. But I was shaking.. Speaker 1: Oh, I was perfectly calm. . Speaker 2: It's amazing what you can make, even though the camera, you know, the camera shows all, oh, it was done. Well, you did aYou did a really wonderful job. Speaker 1: And, and one of the things that I thought was so powerful about it, again, you've already mentioned it, was that your, your brother had, he had apologized, but then he had, you had written to him years later and he said, "Oh gosh, I didn't know this was still a thing for you." So I'm sure this solidified for him, again, the seriousness of the trauma, the impact that that had had on you, uh, and that it had, it had, uh, impacted your choices as an adult. And when you left home and it was, it was a elegant story. Well, it's, call it elegant is missing the point of that. It was very painfully uh, impactful. So, um, yeah, I mean, you made, you made some career choices that were obviously you trying to get back in control, but it didn't work. Speaker 2: Right. Right. And I'm not sure he understands the full impact. We've never sat down and, and talked about it. It's, it's like, it's a, it's a strained relationship. Speaker 1: Okay. Speaker 2: Um, but it, it's friendly enough in that I can reach out to him. I haven't reached out to him for a while, but I would can reach out to him and say, "I had this memory, is this a false memory? Is this true? Is this what happened?" And he is very careful the way he answers it, because he does, doesn't wanna trigger me and give me more memories. 'cause I have plenty to work with. Sure. He understands why I'm so public. He's not exactly thrilled about it. But, you know, I was in the People magazine and I had to run that by him. And, and the pictures, I ran the pictures by him. And that, it's hard. Uh, it's hard because it's putting him in a, in a, in a tough situation. But in my situation, in my story, my sibling is not a monster. My sibling is not a pedophile. My sibling caused a lot of harm, caused a lot of damage, caused a lot of trauma. And I, I have forgiven him. Um, and I'm not telling every survivor, you have to forgive to heal. That is not my, that's not my thing. It's just that's what worked for me. And it started by forgiving the little girl first, my little girl myself. And then I was able to forgive him. Speaker 1: Well, an aspect of this that I wanted to talk to you about a little bit more was you opened the talk by saying that you were in marital work with your husband, and your therapist turned to you and said, "I, I just don't get where all this anger is coming from. It doesn't seem to fit the situation." And, and then ask the very astute question of, "Is there something that might be, is triggered by what's going on with your husband? And that's what's, that's what we're seeing". And you, did you, did you connect the dots right then? Or did it take you a while? It took a while. It was your sexual abuse that was getting somehow, maybe you can talk about that a little bit. What was getting triggered with your husband? Speaker 2: Right. Many years before, before we were in counseling, something happened in the bedroom that, that triggered a memory. And that memory would not go away. Usually memories would come and go and I could put them away. And I thought it was just two kids being curious. That's not my problem. Speaker 1: Okay. Speaker 2: I thought because I'd lost, I lost my first husband to cancer and I got remarried to my, my husband. Now I try not to use current husband 'cause he doesn't like to be the current husband. . Speaker 1: Well, my husband calls Speaker 2: Himself Speaker 1: ) . We've been married 33 years, and he calls himself my current husband. So , Speaker 2: He's a good sport then. Yeah. . Yeah. So I had thought, I knew we had two small children. He had a stressful job. I had, I was still dealing with grief. And I thought, that's why I'm angry. That's why I am upset. That's why I was not depressed in my brain. I was not depressed because no, I had survived burying my first husband, and I survived that. So there's no way I could be depressed. Speaker 1: I have a, I have a book for you to read, . I know Speaker 2: You do. I am in that category. So we eventually went to marriage counseling and I went into the marriage counseling thinking, okay, he's gonna fix my husband, gonna fix him. Well, I had work to do too, fix too, when it comes to that. So we were in counseling for five years and we really had made a lot of progress. But I was still very, very angry. And I had asked myself, I had dug down and I thought, maybe it's something inside of me. I've tried to turn over every stone that maybe there's something inside of me that needs work. Mm-hmm. . So when the marriage counselor asked that question, I thought, well, there is this. My brother sexually abused me. There's that. And I approached it as, it can't be that because I participated. Right. So who am I to be messed up over that? Speaker 2: And the counselor, I kind of describe it as the deer in the headlights look. He's kinda like trying to sit still and kind of leaning in and trying to be very calm, realizing, okay, this is a big deal. No, what happened is a big deal. Right. And that it went on and off for six years. And that No, that was a big deal. And he said, "You're gonna need to tell Steve". And I said, huh. Steve's my husband. Mm-hmm. Current husband mm-hmm. . I said, oh, no, because then he'll be able to blame all our marriage problems on me. And he said, you need to be able to tell him to protect yourself in order and to, to be able to heal. So that's how that all started. And then I started a whole new healing process. Speaker 1: It's amazing. I've told a story on, on SelfWork about a woman. Um, and I already put a cautionary warning before we started. So great. Uh, a woman came in to see me who, um, it was the local community center. I literally had just gotten to Arkansas where I live now. And, and she said, you know, she told me about sexually abu abuse that her father had, um, had done to her. And then she, and there was this huge sense of relief. And then she came in the next week and she said, I've got something worse to tell you. So I sat back and said, all right. And she said, my dad made me do things to my brother . And she, she was a tough cowboy kind of woman. She had boots and, you know, she was farm girl. I mean, she was tough as nails. Speaker 1: And she teared up and, and we talked about it. And then she, she canceled her next appointment. And I called her and said, I'm, you've, you've shared so much with me, I'm a little concerned that you're not coming back in. Yeah. She said, well, okay, I'll come back in one more time. And she looked at me, Jane, and she said, I thought I would, I knew the look that would be on your face when I told you that I had done something to my brother. Because from her perspective, she had participated rather than being coerced herself. You know, it was, it was her doing something to her brother. And I said, you know, so, and she said, but the look on your face was not condemnation. It was, well, of course you did what your dad told you to do. Right. Um, and then there are other instances I I, uh, I mentioned before when we were just talking about a, a little girl who wore a red nightgown for her brother. Um, because she, she said, I enjoyed the attention. I knew something was wrong, but I, I didn't get any attention from anybody except from him. And so it was very complex and very complicated. But that whole idea of participation is so, um, is, is so confounding for any victim of sexual abuse, but especially with sibling sexual abuse, I think. Speaker 2: Yeah. And I, I wanna share with you that I've actually had some people who, when I, when I speak about the child who caused harm, there are situations where the child causes a lot more than harm. And I try and, and, and lower it a little bit so that parents hear me. Mm-hmm. , because if I scream your child, the pedophile or your child, the monster, your child, the perpetrator, they're not going to hear me. Right. 'cause if I talk about it in a more gentle as your child who caused harm, they're more likely to hear me. So that's why I approach it that way. But I understand that there are survivors out there where it was a lot more than harm. Yes, I understand that. Yes. But I have heard from people who have caused harm and they are suicidal. You're right. And so that's why we talk about this, because we don't want our children to be on any side of it. Speaker 2: Or I feel like if we raise awareness, if we educate our children, maybe we can lessen the numbers. You know, if we talk to our teenagers when they're 10, 12 and explore with them, say, Hey, you're experiencing a lot of changes. You've got a lot of questions. And I understand you may not be able to come to me as your parent, but you are at risk of harming another child, either a younger sibling or a cousin. And so we need to talk about this. What do you know when you have these feelings? And, and we need to talk about pornography. So that's why I I I am, it's an all encompassing, it's a whole family trauma. And, and I work very closely with the women of Five Wave, I dunno if you know anything about the Five Ways, but there's three parents and two survivors. Speaker 2: We've come together. And so the parents have shared their stories when they discover sibling sexual abuse and trauma in their homes and what the parents go through. Yes. What the survivor goes through, what the person who cause harm goes through. If we just talk about it and raise awareness and, and educate people and quit shoving it under the rug, maybe we can lift the numbers. Maybe we can get people help. Because you are a very, you're an informed therapist. You, you are very informed. A lot of therapists I've heard from survivors, they'll, they'll tell a survivor, well, you know, kids are curious. You are very informed. We need more of you . We really do. Speaker 1: Let me ask you something. Are there statistics? 'cause I'm not aware of them. If there are, and I'd love to know, um, about how many of the siblings be they girls or boys, we might point out it's not necessarily, um, and of course, or, or any gender identification. Um, absolutely. And how, what are the statistics on whether they have been abused themselves and then turn around and abused? Speaker 2: Unfortunately, we don't really have those statistics. We need more research. And the women of five Waves, we've actually had people, researchers are reaching out to us, asking us to share their surveys. So there is progress. Again, it's the marathon, not the sprint. So we are trying to gain more, more insight into that. And that's another thing is that I, I hear from survivors a lot. They reach out to me and they say, well, you know, my sibling did this to me, or my cousin did this to me, and then I did it to another child. And that there's shame on top of shame. Yes, indeed. And that happens a lot. Happens a lot. Mm-hmm. . But we don't have those statistics. Again, we need more research and we need more awareness and we need to be talking about it. And that, that's why I'm very loud. Speaker 1: What, what is the name of the organization that you Women of five. Speaker 2: (20:58) Okay. So it's called Five Waves Worldwide Awareness Speaker 1: (21:02) Wave. W A V E Ss. Correct. Speaker 2: (21:04) Worldwide Awareness, Voice, Education and Support. Okay. The way we came together, I've just been out there being very loud. And I am a moderator of a Facebook group for all types of survivors. And we kept having parents keep trying to join. And we're like, well, this is for survivors. So I went to find a parent support group, and through that I found a parent who had started a Facebook group for parents experiencing sibling sexual abuse and trauma in their homes. In their homes. So I reached out to her and I tried to join her group and she politely declined . And then I had a person reach out to me, Brandy Black, which is a pen name, to protect her family. Mm-hmm. . She said, look, it's been during Covid this happened in my home. I couldn't find any research, I couldn't find any resources on it. So I developed a website. Will you look at it? I promised my children to have a survivor look at it. And I said, whoa, this is amazing. Great. That's something I don't have to do. Was on my list. And I started looking at her website, Brandy Black. Speaker 1: (22:03) Oh, black. Okay. Speaker 2: (22:04) Black. I said, I can't get through this. I'm writing my TEDx. So I pulled in another survivor that I knew who was public, Maria Awa. And then I reached out to the woman who ran the Facebook group. And we all came together as 5WAVES. Oh, see. And the parents shared their stories. We shared their stories. So what we have through this organization, it's now 5 0 1 C three, is we are becoming thought leaders in this arena, or it's all out of a matter of, of, of caring. But we all have unique perspectives and we just wanna raise awareness. We want families to have support. We want families to have resources. We, you know, obviously one day we'd love to have this go away, but we aren't, you know, we aren't that optimistic. It, it's been going on forever. Speaker 1: Two cases come to mind that are the opposite. Um, both of them were difficult. One case, um, a case, one woman's story, um, was, uh, I was seeing the mother actually in therapy, and her daughter told her that her brother had sexually abused her. Um, the mother went to another state and confronted the, the brother. And he said, yes, he had, it took them probably it would took them years. I'm not sure how many, because the mother had to do her own work. The, the daughter, um, started working on herself. Um, 'cause she was definitely making choices that were very, um, tied to that, uh, that kind of abuse. So was the perpetrator the, or you go the person who did harm? He got his therapy finally. They got together and did therapy. But it was a long time before this family got together for Thanksgiving or, you know, anything like that, because the, the, the pain was just too real. Speaker 1: And, and yet I, they gradually worked toward that. It was marvelous to see the kind of healing that could actually take place when everybody was, and the mother, you know, had to take some responsibility for saying was I checked out. I mean, you know, maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. Um, and so they did great work. You know, I also have an example of a patient who I was seeing the daughter who was abused. The sister who was abused, uh, when she was a toddler, she had a twin. And she didn't remember it until the twin did. And then they confronted the family together. Actually, before she saw me. The family kind of nodded. It was an older brother. The older brother said, it wasn't me. I think it was a neighbor. Um, that wasn't true. And not a word was said about it again. Speaker 2: Yeah. It's very common. Speaker 1: And she was, she had the kind of family where they expected her to be there at every birthday, at every anniversary, at every holiday, at every religious event. I mean, and it was every time she was, she had anorexia still does. She would just not eat for days, um, after a home visit. So it, you know, those two situations are so contrasting and, and, and one of there can, there can be healing. Yes. It's hard, but there can be healing. Speaker 2: Yeah. And I, I think that the second scenario that you talked about, if you're a parent, I mean, parents experience a lot too when they discover this mm-hmm. . And if they go to Google and they can't find anything, if they aren't understanding, they may think, well, my, my child's the only person in the world who's harmed a sibling, or is my child gonna grow up to be a pedophile? And it's probably terrifying and probably easier to say, okay, let's just pretend status quo, and let's just, let's just go forward. Let's just shove it under the rug. That's what we're hoping to raise awareness. So if the parent, they, they got, I mean, wouldn't it be amazing if like, the Today Show covered this? Speaker 1: Sure. Wouldn't Speaker 2: It be, you know, sibling sexual abuse? Then a mom might think, oh, that's ho that's horrible. I can't believe that's happening. But then if, if she hears about it in her home or friend, she'll say, oh, but I heard this was a thing. You know, it's, it's at least in their subconscious, because if we don't get it out there, it's really hard for a parent to wrap their heads around. Of course. I mean, I can't imagine. I am a parent and I try to educate my children to the point where they run away from me. , . But, um, I, I can't, it's really hard for parents to wrap their head around. And that's, we're just trying to raise that awareness. But I hear from a lot of survivors that they're expected to just go on is normal, and, and you're asking a survivor to, to sit in the room with someone who abused them and possibly in the same home where they were abused. And that's very triggering. That's very difficult. Speaker 1: Yes, it is. And, and it doesn't get any easier. Another woman comes to mind who said, you know, that she sits by her brother every day or every Sunday at church, and she's always crying and people believe she's crying because she's moved by the service. And actually she's just, she's overwhelmed with feelings about the abuse that he has denied and continues to deny. So it's, it's, gosh, it's so painful. But there, there can be healing. Um, what, what did your mother, how did your mother handle it? Speaker 2: Well, I told her, I wanna say I was around age 24 when I was still pushing it off. It was just two kids. It just, it ha it happened. Uh, um, and I kind of said it in passing, and she cried. She said, I believe you, but where was I? Where was I? And then she started questioning. She said, but he's a good kid. He, he always knew right from wrong. There was a lot of confusion. And then I pushed it back. I put it back in its box, and we didn't talk about it for years. And then when it reared its ugly head in my current marriage mm-hmm. , um, she didn't understand. I said, I need to come forward. I need, I need to talk about this. I need to come forward. And she, she said, you need to forgive him. You need to forgive him. Speaker 2: And I said, I don't need to do anything. I will forgive him when I'm ready on my own terms. And she gave me the books on forgiveness, and I rolled my eyes. You can't, you can't force that. And she said, what about his family? And I screamed at her. I said, his family. Yeah, yeah. Because unfortunately, I took him, I was angry at him. I was angry at my husband. I was angry at my, my siblings wife. I was angry at my siblings children, and I pushed them all aside mm-hmm. . And they didn't understand why I was pushing them away. They didn't know mm-hmm. . So I did come to terms with it, and I did forgive my brother on my terms when I was ready. And then I reached out to my mom and I said, I forgave him. And there was relief in her voice mm-hmm. Speaker 2: . And then she realized, oh, now I've got my own journey of forgiveness. And she had to follow her own journey. And she was at the TEDx, she was in the audience. She didn't know what I was going to say. And, but by the time she was at the TEDx, I think she was in a good place. Um, she loves both of her children. It's, it's a very tough position to be in. And there were times when I said, I don't wanna be in the same room with him. And that was really hard for her. Mm-hmm. . So she seems to be on her own journey, and I think she's into the point where she's been able to accept it and, and sees why I'm being so public and understands why I am so public. Speaker 1: So what's been the changes in your life? I mentioned in the intro that you have over half a million views. What, how has your life changed since the TEDx and, and what are your plans for the future as this, as you, as you run this marathon? Speaker 2: Yes. It, it, I'm still running the marathon. Expect I, the finish line keeps moving. I, I actually heard from another survivor yesterday via email because it came across the TEDx. And so people are finding me through the TEDx and, and when they find me through the TEDx, I'm able to get them into Facebook support groups. I'm able to get them resources. So I know that they're in a community of people that's been, you know, I think when we can help others that help heal us mm-hmm. , um, I am, I'm still writing my memoir. It's so, so close. I have a children's book that I've, I've submitted. I'm waiting to hear back if they will publish it or not. That's what's on my radar right now. I am slowing down a little bit. I try and be supportive within the Facebook groups. I, I'm trying to, um, answer all my social media messages because I get a lot of social media messages. A lot of people on TikTok, unfortunately, a lot of my people are on TikTok. They're a younger age. Speaker 2: I'm slowing down a little bit. One, I'm tired. Two, I have two teenage boys who are in 10th grade, and they will be leaving me in three years. So I'm trying to be very, very present with them and enjoy them. Sure. And I just kind of show up wherever I'm needed and trying to, to support Five waves and, and keep that momentum going and, and just raising more awareness through five. Nobody's selling anything. We're not trying to, you know, obviously we're looking for donations, but, you know, we're not selling anything. We're not making any money. We're just trying to raise awareness and, and collaborate. We're having more and more people reach out wanting to volunteer with us, which is great. 'cause we're five people mm-hmm. . And yeah. I'm just looking forward to a day when there's more survivors who feel comfortable coming forward. And, and honestly, I I welcome hearing from those who caused harm too. Um, I feel we've received a couple emails. If, Speaker 1: If someone wanted to donate or volunteer or just, I mean, can you give the names of the Facebook groups or do they reach out to you? How, how is that, how do you want them to do that? Right. Speaker 2: (32:14) The 5WAVES.org website. Okay. You can email us there. You can contact us if you're, if you're, if you're a parent, if you're a survivor, if you're someone who's caused harm, you can email us there. And then also on that website, we have Facebook groups and, and we, we try and respond to every email that we can. Yeah. So that's where I'm headed right now. I kind of show up where I am needed . Speaker 1: And so I'm a great admirer of yours. And I, because I think you did this TEDx for a really good reason. Um, and I mean, and, and a very honorable reason. And so, uh, that I, I admire greatly. Speaker 2: Well, thank you. And I admire you as much. I I think that we, I I was looking forward to this interview and I told my husband this morning, I said, this'll be a great interview because she, she's informed and she knows what she's talking about. She's done the research, she's done the homework. So I really appreciate it. Speaker 1: Oh, well, thank you. Take very good care. Thank you. Speaker 1: I know you could tell from Jane's interview just how sincere and how passionate she is about getting this message out. And we at SelfWork wanted to help her do just that. The organization Jane refers to in the interview is the worldwide awareness, voice, education, and support. Better known as 5WAVES.org. And the five is not spelled out, is a numeral. So 5WAVES.org give if you can. It's a 5 0 1 3 C. So it's a nonprofit. And I wanna thank Jane and all other survivors of abuse who come forward. It takes tremendous courage to do so. Thank you for being here at SelfWork today. Please take care of yourself, your loved ones, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been SelfWork.

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Sep 15, 2023